It's been awhile...but have I got some news!

Oh, howdy! Are you still there? I admit that its been a quick second since I spoke to y'all last. In fact, this is probably the longest I've gone without blogging since this blog started! Zoinks!

There's actually a really good reason why I haven't been blogging. It involves a camping trip that lead to a Sasquatch sighting in Arkansas which ended up with yours truly coming to blows with ol Squatch. Long story short, the hospital bills were quite shocking, but thankfully my Bigfooted friend has great insurance. Doctor said he'd be his old self by May 2024.

Don't believe me? Ok...would you believe that the reason I've not been blogging is because of all the media attention I got when I discovered Atlantis? It could've happened to anybody, really. I was just sailing the high seas in my trusty ship, The Soggy Biscuit, when suddenly the creatures of the sea told me that I was sailing right over the heads of the Atlantisians who had congregated to celebrate High Tide (their Fourth of July apparently).

Not buying that either, huh?
How about my computer was stomped to pieces by the last living dinosaur while I was exploring the Congo?
Would you believe my girlfriend's dogs ate my blog?
How about I was busy raising four mutant turtles in a sewer pipe and it took me awhile to teach them martial arts?

Eh, why make excuses. Life got in the way. I'm sure you can empathize perhaps a little. Perhaps you can't and I'm just hoping you can. 

But anyway, life is like that. Life is like a river. It rushes along, carrying everything it can pick up in its path. It turns this way, then that way, it goes up and down, turns over on itself, and boats sometimes float on it, and cows drink from it, and I think I've lost my metaphor now...

Well anyway I'm back now. I come bearing gifts! Not only have I been chipmunking many videos that need to be released to my YouTube channel, I have been tirelessly working on another little project you might like.

That's right. A new project I'm SO STOKED to tell you about.

Mark your calendars for October 11th, for that is the day my very first single is going to be released everywhere music streams!

I write funny songs all the time. Sometimes one might make it to my YouTube. But this one is lucky.

My new single is a countrified cautionary tale about the origin of Pumpkin Spice. Many of y'all know my co-writer as the ever-hilarious and wildly talented Pearl Haining from the Branson-based, all-sibling musical ensemble, The Hainings.

Knowing a song of this caliber couldn't just collect dust on the shelf, I called my good friend and full-time Floridian, Dana Philip Emmette, master of the recording studio, Mayor of the City of Groove. He helped me out by recording many of the instruments you'll hear and mixing and mastering the whole project.

My first single, y'all. My comedy-music debut! It actually is happening. Please follow my Facebook page The Real Mark Wimberley for updates on this project as Oct 11 draws near. 

We get this saying wrong a lot...

"You are what you eat", everyone tells me. They repeat it over and over with a smirk on their faces.
Thanks for calling me a bag of pork rinds and a Dr. Pepper. It makes my fragile sense of self esteem so much less that way.

But little do they know, that's not how that phrase is supposed to go. I mean, yeah, folks have been saying that since the Byzantine empire was still a thing (if you're keeping track, it's not anymore). A better way to articulate the phrase would be as follows:

You are what you consume. 

Not only did I acquire a big thesaurus recently, but I obtained a gigantic thesaurus recently. There's a reason that I changed "eat" to "consume".  You see, we as human beings are consumers of much more than food. Though my nickname of Pork Rind may be fitting to me (as is Sloppy Joe, Slim Jim, Cuban Sandwich, and Mashed Potato Casserole), I'm defined more often by what I patronize, what I'm entertained by, what I talk about, the activities I engage in, etc. 

To put it in simpler terms (to match my simpler personality), I eat food that strengthens my body. If I eat food that's very nourishing to eyesight, I will have great eyesight. If I eat food that's nourishing to my brain, that'd be a miracle. So it is with what we consume! If I'm a consumer of things that are sad, I might become a sadder person. If I'm a consumer of things that help others, I will become a very helpful person. If I'm a consumer of educational things, I'll fall asleep. 

You might think that this post is coming across as cheesy (and the fact I put too much cheese on the lunch I'm currently eating is complete coincidence and serendipity) but it's important to note that it works the opposite way. 

If I consume things that aren't productive to my growth, I won't grow. If I consume things that are unhealthy, I will be unhealthy. 

So I guess what I'm saying here, is that you should do a deep search in your life. Who are you? What are you consuming?

That's all for now, I'll go back to my Flaming Hot Italian sandwich that I coincidentally chose to eat for lunch today. And it still has too much cheese.  

When You Tell A Joke Out Loud

For those who read yesterday's post, you might be wondering if I'm already packing for my tour.

Of course, it was my annual April Fool's joke, and a very intricate one to pull off. It brings me no small joy to know I couldn't fool some of you. I have such intelligent friends! However, I am aware, I might have snookered a few others. I did everything I could to make it seem real: merch, promo poster, stellar acting abilities on my Instagram stories, etc, so don't feel bad. You're intelligent too.

I must confess that my April Fooling was not just limited to the internet. A coworker has a miniature marquee on his desk that reads:

"Design is thinking made visual. - Saul Bass"

After he left the room, I rearranged it to read:

"Sign is dead. Thin bass me visual - King Saul"

I would've done more but he was returning to his desk and I was out of time. I must admit his reaction was pretty satisfying, and until he reads this post, I don't think he knows who is responsible. But if you know him, don't tell him yet!

So I write this post to formally say "April Fools" on yesterday's post. I'm not going on tour as a solo artist this year. Thanks so much for hanging with my practical jokes!

One thing I wasn't joking about was The Real Mark Wimberley snapbacks, trucker hats, and ball caps. They're a thing now, and I'm stoked!!  Don't forget that you can get 15% off everything from April 5 through April 9 if you use the code 15APRIL19.