It's been awhile...but have I got some news!

Oh, howdy! Are you still there? I admit that its been a quick second since I spoke to y'all last. In fact, this is probably the longest I've gone without blogging since this blog started! Zoinks!

There's actually a really good reason why I haven't been blogging. It involves a camping trip that lead to a Sasquatch sighting in Arkansas which ended up with yours truly coming to blows with ol Squatch. Long story short, the hospital bills were quite shocking, but thankfully my Bigfooted friend has great insurance. Doctor said he'd be his old self by May 2024.

Don't believe me? Ok...would you believe that the reason I've not been blogging is because of all the media attention I got when I discovered Atlantis? It could've happened to anybody, really. I was just sailing the high seas in my trusty ship, The Soggy Biscuit, when suddenly the creatures of the sea told me that I was sailing right over the heads of the Atlantisians who had congregated to celebrate High Tide (their Fourth of July apparently).

Not buying that either, huh?
How about my computer was stomped to pieces by the last living dinosaur while I was exploring the Congo?
Would you believe my girlfriend's dogs ate my blog?
How about I was busy raising four mutant turtles in a sewer pipe and it took me awhile to teach them martial arts?

Eh, why make excuses. Life got in the way. I'm sure you can empathize perhaps a little. Perhaps you can't and I'm just hoping you can. 

But anyway, life is like that. Life is like a river. It rushes along, carrying everything it can pick up in its path. It turns this way, then that way, it goes up and down, turns over on itself, and boats sometimes float on it, and cows drink from it, and I think I've lost my metaphor now...

Well anyway I'm back now. I come bearing gifts! Not only have I been chipmunking many videos that need to be released to my YouTube channel, I have been tirelessly working on another little project you might like.

That's right. A new project I'm SO STOKED to tell you about.

Mark your calendars for October 11th, for that is the day my very first single is going to be released everywhere music streams!

I write funny songs all the time. Sometimes one might make it to my YouTube. But this one is lucky.

My new single is a countrified cautionary tale about the origin of Pumpkin Spice. Many of y'all know my co-writer as the ever-hilarious and wildly talented Pearl Haining from the Branson-based, all-sibling musical ensemble, The Hainings.

Knowing a song of this caliber couldn't just collect dust on the shelf, I called my good friend and full-time Floridian, Dana Philip Emmette, master of the recording studio, Mayor of the City of Groove. He helped me out by recording many of the instruments you'll hear and mixing and mastering the whole project.

My first single, y'all. My comedy-music debut! It actually is happening. Please follow my Facebook page The Real Mark Wimberley for updates on this project as Oct 11 draws near. 

We get this saying wrong a lot...

"You are what you eat", everyone tells me. They repeat it over and over with a smirk on their faces.
Thanks for calling me a bag of pork rinds and a Dr. Pepper. It makes my fragile sense of self esteem so much less that way.

But little do they know, that's not how that phrase is supposed to go. I mean, yeah, folks have been saying that since the Byzantine empire was still a thing (if you're keeping track, it's not anymore). A better way to articulate the phrase would be as follows:

You are what you consume. 

Not only did I acquire a big thesaurus recently, but I obtained a gigantic thesaurus recently. There's a reason that I changed "eat" to "consume".  You see, we as human beings are consumers of much more than food. Though my nickname of Pork Rind may be fitting to me (as is Sloppy Joe, Slim Jim, Cuban Sandwich, and Mashed Potato Casserole), I'm defined more often by what I patronize, what I'm entertained by, what I talk about, the activities I engage in, etc. 

To put it in simpler terms (to match my simpler personality), I eat food that strengthens my body. If I eat food that's very nourishing to eyesight, I will have great eyesight. If I eat food that's nourishing to my brain, that'd be a miracle. So it is with what we consume! If I'm a consumer of things that are sad, I might become a sadder person. If I'm a consumer of things that help others, I will become a very helpful person. If I'm a consumer of educational things, I'll fall asleep. 

You might think that this post is coming across as cheesy (and the fact I put too much cheese on the lunch I'm currently eating is complete coincidence and serendipity) but it's important to note that it works the opposite way. 

If I consume things that aren't productive to my growth, I won't grow. If I consume things that are unhealthy, I will be unhealthy. 

So I guess what I'm saying here, is that you should do a deep search in your life. Who are you? What are you consuming?

That's all for now, I'll go back to my Flaming Hot Italian sandwich that I coincidentally chose to eat for lunch today. And it still has too much cheese.  

When You Tell A Joke Out Loud

For those who read yesterday's post, you might be wondering if I'm already packing for my tour.

Of course, it was my annual April Fool's joke, and a very intricate one to pull off. It brings me no small joy to know I couldn't fool some of you. I have such intelligent friends! However, I am aware, I might have snookered a few others. I did everything I could to make it seem real: merch, promo poster, stellar acting abilities on my Instagram stories, etc, so don't feel bad. You're intelligent too.

I must confess that my April Fooling was not just limited to the internet. A coworker has a miniature marquee on his desk that reads:

"Design is thinking made visual. - Saul Bass"

After he left the room, I rearranged it to read:

"Sign is dead. Thin bass me visual - King Saul"

I would've done more but he was returning to his desk and I was out of time. I must admit his reaction was pretty satisfying, and until he reads this post, I don't think he knows who is responsible. But if you know him, don't tell him yet!

So I write this post to formally say "April Fools" on yesterday's post. I'm not going on tour as a solo artist this year. Thanks so much for hanging with my practical jokes!

One thing I wasn't joking about was The Real Mark Wimberley snapbacks, trucker hats, and ball caps. They're a thing now, and I'm stoked!!  Don't forget that you can get 15% off everything from April 5 through April 9 if you use the code 15APRIL19.

When You Tell Yourself a Joke

If you are anything like me, you understand that EVERYTHING has a punchline if you try hard enough and you're brave enough to cross the right lines.

Always being one for a challenge, throughout my days on YouTube and Blogger, I have accumulated a healthy list of parody and original songs that my TRMW family has suggested and prompted me to write.

Who could forget the song that teaches you to pronounce gif? Or even the song about being the third wheel on a date? Or the backwards country song about a dog and his boy? And there are so many others that I've yet to film, but have performed for y'all on social media or in small gatherings. Remember the Xtreme parody about sunburns styled like "More than Words"? Or the Billy Joel parody about food poisoning styled like "The Longest Time"?

It's kinda like telling yourself a really good joke. You just really wish others could appreciate the vast amount of effort you put into creating something so delightfully funny.

Wish no more!

I am super excited to be embarking on my very first tour as The Real Mark Wimberley. The tour, which I've named the "Grammatically Correct" tour will feature all of your favorite TRMW songs as well as a little bit of stand-up, sleight-of-hand, and maybe even a special guest or two!

I'm really stoked to see what my first tour has in store. Maybe I'll bomb. Maybe I'll win big. Maybe I'll sell some TRMW swag. It's no joke that you can get 15% off everything from April 5 through April 9 if you use the code 15APRIL19. But I digress.

I hope I can meet each of you in person this year. I am really looking forward to sharing all the jokes I tell to myself in a Grammatically Correct manner.

The Family Band Jamboree

Hey, Henry, what's holding ya up? Let's get on with the show!
Gimme a little intro there, Gomer...

And so began my all-time favorite Disneyland attraction of all time. As a gangly bear with a insufferable swarm of bees began to lightly play the piano, my little kiddie eyeballs were greeted by the first family band I would experience:

I do not own this image, but boy howdy it brings back memories!

Of course, only diehard fans would know I'm obviously talking about the Stoneman Family, who provided various voices, music, and song for this legendary Disneyland attraction. Of course, a few Disney favorites were also included as voices (Thurl Ravenscroft anyone?) and there was a cameo voice of Tex Ritter (Big Al anyone?), but that's beside the point here. Still a family band.

There was something just so down-home charming about seeing the family of bears awkwardly assembled on stage, with their sprawling, fumbling, stage presence, and honest, diamond-in-the-rough talent levels.  But they resonated with the unity and harmony that can only come from a family. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking:
Hey Mark! They're not real! They're made-up characters in a made-up show in a People trap built by a Mouse.

First of all, how dare you ruin my childhood like this without my consent.
Second of all, I totally knew that. Totally.
But "bear" with me as I continue "bruin" up this allegorical story...

I like family bands well enough. After each show, I would confidently walk up to the bears and have a little chat with them.

"Hey you bear family!" I would greet them, pretty sure I got their band name right, "You guys and gals are really starting to sound better and make progress with your ability!"
Of course, I'm certain that they were glad of my input. After all, I rode "It's a Small World" almost 30 times, so I know what a good singing group sounds like. Someday, that bear family might be that good.

"Hey you know what I was thinking," as I began, I knew they were just dying to know what I was thinking, "you really should put little Baby Oscar bear on the one-string-thing and move Tennessee to one of those bass-ukes. It would really improve your timing." The bear family, of course, was painfully unaware their timing was not up to my snuff, and that it was definitely not a figment of my imagining that the lack of bass-uke meant lack of timing. But I was certain once they had assembled themselves to the line-up of my choosing, they would thank me for discovering their timing issues.

"Not that that'll do much good," I joked with however many of them were still listening, "Baby Oscar's cuteness factor is only gonna last a couple more years." Baby Oscar gave me a blank stare as he squeezed his adorable, but pathetically non-musical teddy.

"By the way, when are those Sunbonnet Trio gals gonna get married and end this attraction for good?" I chuckled as I elbowed a giant grizzly in the place in his side I can only assume his ribs were. Bears are really big and blubbery and its hard to find their ribs. "We all know family bands never last." They looked pleased I said that to their faces.

We had such a great time talking, I'm almost certain I saw Big Al wipe a tear from his eye.

I walked away, in hindsight, I should've been very thankful that bears have very thick skin. Because, it's cold in that music hall and I'd feel bad if they were shivering so much that they played all of their songs too fast!

2019 New Years Resolution: Remember it's Not 2018 Anymore

Now comes the time of the year, when all eyes turn toward this blog. Everyone wants to know what lofty and ambitious goal The Real Mark Wimberley shall set forth for the coming year. I am happy to announce this year's short list of nominees. But first, a word about resolutions.

Resolutions get a bad rap for a lot of things. For one, they're like Beanie Babies: very few people hang on to them, and the few who do end up rich and envied. For another thing, resolutions are schismatically associated with bad, unpleasant, hard things like "wake up an hour earlier every day", or "take only cold showers", or worse yet "stop eating bacon". Just calm down, buckaroos and buckarettes. No need to go crazy.

So many hard and unpleasant days or maybe weeks are spent in January by people who believe they must feel bad in order to have a valuable resolution. You're wasting a very great month and only bringing embarrassment upon yourself when February rolls around and you have to sheepishly face your friends and family with a lame excuse as to why you are no longer "on track to meet your goal".

There's a simple problem.

You know what they say in the photography business: If the resolution is low, increase the focus!

(With the great understanding that a large multitude of my friends are professional photographers and most of them are readers of this blog, I must admit that I legitimately do not know if photographers ever say that, because that literally just fell out of my head just now. But, I'm a generous sort. You can use that if you want to and especially if it's factually correct. You don't need to send me a private message schooling me on all the finer points of cameras, photography and print, because honestly, I'd only forget everything the next day. Thank you for your cooperation.)

Aha! Focus! Now why didn't you think of that, it's as obvious as the Snapchat filters on a basic white girl's profile picture.

All I'm trying to say is this: in 2019, make your resolutions very intentionally and with a very clear goal in mind for the new year. Otherwise, you are just spinning your wheels in the mud hole of pointless social media postings. Increase your focus!

Without further adieu, my list of resolutions.

I resolve to:
1. Not write "2018" when I mean to write "2019". (So far so good)
2. Avoid uncreative and non-relatable clichés like someone you texted avoids talking to you at the grocery store because he hasn't got around to texting you back. (And what's with that guy? Pshpshpsh)
3. Eat garlic bread (Yes, please, Mark, PLEASE!)
4. Own a piece of Toledo. (No particular reason, I just think Toledo is funny, and it's fun to say, so it's a punchline for a lot of jokes.)
5. Use more parentheses in this blog (c'mon, who doesn't like them?)
6. Write a hit country song and get an A-lister to record it. (Do you know a guy? Can anyone connect me?)
7. Star in the Muppet adaptation of The Music Man. (Do you know a frog? Can anyone connect me?)
8. Become a voice actor and sing a song for a Disney animated feature. (Do you know a mouse? Can anyone connect me?)
7. Learn to count. (Someday, right?)
10. Launch The Real Mark Wimberley World Tour. (Which pointedly excludes Toledo for the aforementioned reasons)
11. Get a shorter list of resolutions.
12. Own a llama, name him Camel, let him park his cars in my suitcase, so I can say "Alpaca Camel lot" when it's time to put things in my suitcase to leave on my World Tour. (Sheesh, I'm gonna fire my writers for that one. Strike that last one from the records, please. It didn't even make sense.)
12. Hire good writers. (Do I gotta do EVERYTHING?!)
13. Become a millionaire. (Do you know a bank? Can anyone connect me?)
14. Dream big (I know, this one is a little out of my comfort zone.)
15. Get to 15 resolutions (Done)

Of course, you can guess from reading the above list I have narrowed my focus perfectly. That focus is me. It's as if the entire world revolves around me. Boy that sure feels good. Good thing I have infinite energy, unlimited resources, no bad days, and the ability to fix other people's shortcomings, because it's gonna take all that to make this list of 15 resolutions come true.

....Sure doesn't seem like I'll get much done this year now that I write that out loud.

Matthew 6 says:

24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Thus, my first and foremost resolution will be to seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness. At the end of the day, owning Toledo would be a barrel of laughs, but it means nothing because one day, Toledo will whither away like everything else on this earth. THAT'S putting things in the right focus. 

Now, on to Toledo...

Please share your resolutions with me! I'd love to know what you got!