Every Western Ever

There's no need a looking for Roy and for Gene,
They've disappeared from the big movie screen,
They've been replaced now by violence galore,
And nobody kisses their horse anymore.

If any of you all have heard the above song, you get my overall feeling for old westerns. I grew up on them and still watch them when I get the chance. I miss the days when our silver screen heroes kissed their horses.  Ever since I can recall I've wanted to be a cowboy, and sometimes, I wish I owned a horse to kiss. I was talking with a fellow western-enthusiast the other day (you may know her from her blog) and we thought about some of the greatest western movie cliches that no western should be without.

1. If you can't decide if you're good or bad, look at your hat or facial hair. 
With the exception of Hopalong Cassidy, good guys wear white hats. Bad guys wear anything from black hats, to grey hats, to bowler hats, to Dapper Dan pomade. Bad guys also have a very wimpy mustache that's almost unnoticeable until you see them up close.

2. Getting shot is no big deal. Getting hung is another story.
For being a common method of threats and intimidation, gunshot wounds are the easiest to patch up. Just take the ol bandanna, put arm in it as a sling, make sure the elderly doc takes a look at it, and that cowboy is up and running by the next scene! Also, shooting a man is punishable by hanging. Cheating at cards is punishable by hanging. Stealing cattle is punishable by hanging. Falsely hanging someone is punishable by hanging. There's no recovering from the trusty necktie party. Bummer.

3. On the white hat team, there are two sidekicks. One thinks of food, and the other thinks of girls.
The hero is lonely and hungry.

4. The bad guys have bigger blabber mouths than the sidekick who thinks of girls.
Even though the sidekick who thinks of girls is always telling the hero's plans to the girl who was actually working for the bad guy, it is usually the bad guys who tell more of the family secrets. How often has the hero been tied up in a chair inside a deserted cabin to have the bad guy say "And now that I have captured you and am going to shoot you and kill you, I will be free to go back into town and rig the election so I will be the mayor and impose ridiculous taxes on the incoming cattle so I can make a fortune and bankrupt cattle farmers from here to Kansas!" Thanks for the info, El Diablo.

In tandem with this we have...

5. Bad guys are all stupid except for the leader.
Seriously, we would never know what the evil plan was if the Boss didn't repeat it for the umpteenth time, and this time conveniently on the silver screen for the viewer's delight. Sounds something like: "I don't get it boss, why do we steal the gold when we can just get a job and earn it?" "Listen, lunkhead, I'll do all the thinking!" Amirite?

6. Of all the Indian tribes that were stirred up in the west, the Apache is the only one to be scared of.
"The Apaches are coming!" No way. Cue the crying women, frightened children, and noble sharpshooters. Sure, history documents that the Apaches made a lot of attacks in the olden days, but that's a different story.  Where are the other tribes? The Apache territory was placed in the southwest from Arizona to the southern side of Texas, a relatively small area. You can't tell me every single western took place in that one teensy area. Oh, you can? Ok then.

7. Dynamite is a game changer.
For some reason, there's always the old timer with dynamite. Or maybe that was just Gabby Hayes. At least he was always around when they needed him.

I anticipate a stampede of western movie enthusiasts pointing out all of their favorite shows or movies that doesn't fall into these cliches. To those people I say hold your horses and holster your guns! You noticed I left out the part about the singing and yodeling posse (and I saw a movie once where they bad guys where the singers), the horse that understands complicated instructions ("Go find Dale and tell her I need some rope, Trigger!") and that one old man named Grubstake who served as the toothless comedic relief. There are a lot of generalizations to be made with any old movies, but the ones listed are my absolute favorites.

As I ride into the sunset, I just want to emphasize how much I miss good old fashioned westerns. Entertainment just ain't the same without them.

Until we meet again, happy trails, saddle pals!

So let's take our hats off to those long gone cowboys
The Hoppys, the Genes, Rex Allens, and Roys,
They've cast a long shadow we're all searching for,
Where nobody kisses their horse anymore.

The Most Brilliant Genre Crossover

Let's play a game. Please sing the following lyrics to the tune of "King of California".

Twas brillig and the slithy toves,
did gyre and gimble in the wabe,
all mimsy were the borogroves,
as the mome raths outgrabe,
Beware, my son, the Jabberwock
the Jubjub and Bandersnatchy
Their claws still catch and jaws still bite,
go kill the Jabberwocky, go kill the Jabberwocky!

Amazing, right?

Now you are probably wondering why I made you whiffle and burble through all that. Let's face it, the vorpal lyrics made little sense and were stolen uffishly from Lewis Carol. But you can galumph beamishly knowing that Lewis Carol basically wrote bluegrass songs....he just didn't know it yet.

Let's try another one! Please sing the following to the tune of "Hot Corn, Cold Corn".

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish,
Black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish,
Sad fish, glad fish, thin fish, fat fish,
I wish that I had eleven fingers, yes sir!

Pure genius methinks.

I'll bet at this point you're still confused about this whole idea. If you're wondering if being confused in this case is good or bad...go ask your Dad. But Seuss and bluegrass mix well I say. Try it, try it and you may also agree with me.

Allow me to explain. Chris Jones recently published an article about combining Seuss and bluegrass lyrics together and then the twitter account @horse_bluegrass began to follow me (which is what inspired Chris Jones). This got me to thinking, so I thought to myself that we might have a phenomenal phenomena on our hands!

But I think we should cut out the middleman. Why combine when we can each corner one aspect of the market? We take these awe-inspiring lyrics and just mash them to the awe-inspiring sounds of bluegrass. Confidentially, Seuss couldn't sing a lick. And while I think bluegrass lyrics are some of the best in the business, there's always room at the top. Nothing wrong with a bit of expansion. While most bluegrassers sing about talking racehorses, why not be original and sing about the frumious Bandersnatch?

So with this it is my honor to announce plans for my new CD called "Through The Looking Grass with Mark Wimberley".

It's gonna be brillig! It'll be the cat's hat! It should be good.