It's Christmas Time in the City...

...and in the country for that matter! Either way you look at it, the time has come to make the necessary arrangements for another memorable Christmas week! But obviously, even on the happiest of occasions, things go wrong. Tis the season to be non-committal, thoughtful, hospitable, and the host of a bunch of people who sometimes don't get along well. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

1. Shopping
Why is it that some people are so hard to buy for? It gets old after the third year in a row that your rich Uncle Larry opens your gift and says "Ohhh hey. Now I have two of them." Didn't you spend enough blood, sweat, and tears battling large and brainless crowds at the mall to get him one of those?

Solution: If Uncle Larry complains of getting another one of "those" again, cheerfully tell him that you like him to always be up-to-date, never be without a spare, and then tell him that his other one was worn out anyway. (Caution! This does not work if you got him a subscription to this blog. He can only have one of those.)

2. Difference in family opinions
There is a reason your cousin Lester and your nephew Bert never visit each other. They oppose the other on every count. They sit at opposite ends of the dinner table on purpose. One asks for you to pass the mashed taters, and the other mumbles about how he's always asking for handouts. One asks what you thought of Star Wars' Rouge One, and the other mumbles something harsh in Vulcan.

Solution: Don't give them anything to talk about. When asked your opinion of the election, chuckle and say "It was one for the books,"  then brag about how well your job is going (assuming you have one, but they don't need to know if you actually do). When asked if you prefer Lucasfilm productions or Tolkien's works, choke on your sweet tea and take the attention off the impending fight.

3. Incompatible Food Allergies
Since the Tofurky flopped last Thanksgiving, as it jolly well should have, you've been wracking your poor brain on what you could possibly cook that would satisfy your gluten-intolerant, vegan, non-GMO, and breatharian loved ones. You come up with nothing. Why is it that no two family members eat the same foods?

Solution: Tell everyone you've found the perfect meal for all. Leave them in intense suspense. Keep them eagerly anticipating the meal of their dreams. Right before dinnertime, set your kitchen on fire and moan that dinner is completely ruined. Let them fend for themselves and show them to your refrigerator. 

It is important to never lose sight of what you're celebrating. That in itself will make the celebration more meaningful. Hopefully, your holiday gatherings are not all as bad as I make them out to be. Not all families argue over each insignificant detail, I get it.  I was blessed with a very like-minded family: we all hated the Tofurky. Blech.

Well this is awkward...

You may think you're a pretty cool person.  You may not be able to remember a time when people didn't think you were cool.  Cool may even be your middle name.  Get over it.

At least once in every mortal's lifetime, an awkward moment happens.  How many of us have had the unfortunate trilemma of deciding to high-five, shake hands, or bear hug a friend?  When this occurs, there is usually a brief, but ever awkward, period of time where both of you are flailing your arms up, down, out, then up again, all the while keeping a jolly smile on your face.  Admit it. You've done this.

Have you ever had a perfectly good and intelligent conversation just up and die?  Doesn't that long, and certainly awkward, pause of silence where the conversants just say "Yup" or "Uh huh" or "Good stuff" just make you want to crawl in a hole under a rock in the barren wastelands of Arizona and not come out until you turn 172 years old? (Well maybe not; that would just be awkward)  Then somebody, usually you, has to mention the awkward silence to break the ice again. To which everybody says: "Yeah, lol." Way to be sociable, Doctor Awkward!

When you were a child, did you ever hold somebody's hand thinking it was one of your parents and it turns out to be a total rank stranger?  Yeah, aaawkwarrrrrd!

How about calling someone by the wrong name, to their face, more than once in a sitting?  This is one that not all are guilty of, but once it happens nobody forgets.  And why should they? It was awkward.  In an awkward kind of way.

I won't even mention the "Reply All" vs. "Reply" button on your email.  Let's not bring up THAT painful little incident.

But awkward is funny!  This is why we laugh at awkwardness (once we recover from it).  This is why you probably cringed reading some--if not all--of these scenarios.  Whole TV shows are centered around awkward people doing awkward things in an awkward way.  Books are written yearly to instruct awkward people how to not be like themselves by "being themselves" (figure that one out).  You can find awkwardness all around if you look for it! For example, if I were to end this blog post suddenly.