It's Christmas Time in the City...

...and in the country for that matter! Either way you look at it, the time has come to make the necessary arrangements for another memorable Christmas week! But obviously, even on the happiest of occasions, things go wrong. Tis the season to be non-committal, thoughtful, hospitable, and the host of a bunch of people who sometimes don't get along well. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

1. Shopping
Why is it that some people are so hard to buy for? It gets old after the third year in a row that your rich Uncle Larry opens your gift and says "Ohhh hey. Now I have two of them." Didn't you spend enough blood, sweat, and tears battling large and brainless crowds at the mall to get him one of those?

Solution: If Uncle Larry complains of getting another one of "those" again, cheerfully tell him that you like him to always be up-to-date, never be without a spare, and then tell him that his other one was worn out anyway. (Caution! This does not work if you got him a subscription to this blog. He can only have one of those.)

2. Difference in family opinions
There is a reason your cousin Lester and your nephew Bert never visit each other. They oppose the other on every count. They sit at opposite ends of the dinner table on purpose. One asks for you to pass the mashed taters, and the other mumbles about how he's always asking for handouts. One asks what you thought of Star Wars' Rouge One, and the other mumbles something harsh in Vulcan.

Solution: Don't give them anything to talk about. When asked your opinion of the election, chuckle and say "It was one for the books,"  then brag about how well your job is going (assuming you have one, but they don't need to know if you actually do). When asked if you prefer Lucasfilm productions or Tolkien's works, choke on your sweet tea and take the attention off the impending fight.

3. Incompatible Food Allergies
Since the Tofurky flopped last Thanksgiving, as it jolly well should have, you've been wracking your poor brain on what you could possibly cook that would satisfy your gluten-intolerant, vegan, non-GMO, and breatharian loved ones. You come up with nothing. Why is it that no two family members eat the same foods?

Solution: Tell everyone you've found the perfect meal for all. Leave them in intense suspense. Keep them eagerly anticipating the meal of their dreams. Right before dinnertime, set your kitchen on fire and moan that dinner is completely ruined. Let them fend for themselves and show them to your refrigerator. 

It is important to never lose sight of what you're celebrating. That in itself will make the celebration more meaningful. Hopefully, your holiday gatherings are not all as bad as I make them out to be. Not all families argue over each insignificant detail, I get it.  I was blessed with a very like-minded family: we all hated the Tofurky. Blech.

Dressing for Success: A step-by-step guide (with Pictures)

As the Father of Bluegrass once told a fiddler of his: "You can't play bluegrass wearing striped britches." Other than that, we conclude, anything goes.

My band and I strive to always dress well for our shows. In fact, if there were an IBMA Award for best dressed band, I would like to think many of y'all would cast a vote for us (knowing that the Del McCoury Band and Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver would win each year anyway).

Ask any bluegrass band if there is a right way or a wrong way to dress on stage and they will give you unintelligible answers. No one could mistake the Kentucky Derby look of the early Bluegrass Boys, then the string ties and hats of Flatt and Scruggs. But then along came a checkered cowboy hat from Jimmy Martin, followed by who-knows-what from the inimitable John Duffey.

Like this.

It's okay. I hear your cries for answers. To sum up the bluegrass cut of clothes as best as possible, we require a formally casual country themed business attire, where bolo ties and boots didn't die with the 90s.  Hats and mullets optional.

Let's break this down.

The above example is only okay in two situations. One: if you're starting a Southern Gospel group, and two: if you're going for the look of this classic album cover from 1999:

Notice how the camo hat in the first picture really makes his head look like it's not there. That's what camo does. Notice in the second picture, they look like they actually know what they are doing (unlike in the first picture).

Speaking of hats, let's talk about that.

The first bluegrass band never went without hats. Flatt and Scruggs seldom went without hats. However, if hats aren't your thing, you can omit them. Just make sure you have epic hair (a la Del McCoury, Ricky Skaggs, Larry Sparks, etc.)

Check out the side-by-side difference between the epic hat look and the epic hair look. If you can't be the Meyerband, you can always be the Johnson Mountain Boys.

Let's talk about ties. As far as which ones to wear, I would argue that Hot Rize is the clear winner.

Honorable mentions would be the following:

Basically anything these guys wear works.

And finally,

Sometimes I feel like we're the only group who still wears these bolo ties, but I could be wrong....

If you can't bring yourself to wear a suit and tie, you have the ever popular (and ever in style) Hawaiian shirt.

So there you have a by-no-means-exhaustive look at the official bluegrass dress code. There are so many different "looks" to a bluegrass band that it is a little difficult to precisely pin it down. 

Hopefully, you found this post to be enlightening. May your band always look like this:

And NEVER like this:

I told you John Duffey was eccentric. Now he's got Keith Whitley in on it, too.

Always Believe El Camarero

I'm not sure if years of playing guitar have given me tough fingers, or if every waiter/waitress I've ever had thinks I look like a wimp. But every time I'm told "Careful, that plate is hot", it only turns out to be mildly warm. At the most, it's hot, but just cool enough for me to scoot across to my corner of the table.

I'm used to that by now. Every time they caution me to be careful, I nod and say thanks, and reach out for my plate. I don't even think twice now. Silly them.

Today, my family and I visited a local Mexican restaurant called El Torito. A family favorite that we've been visiting since before I was born. As we walked through la puerta, a Mexican gentleman showed us to our mesa. He said "Buenos dias, can I get you something to drink?" Which, if my college level Spanish is correct, means "Good dias, can I get you something to drink?"  What a friendly guy! But then, I learned a valuable lesson just a few moments later.

That lesson came when el camarero brought my cheese enchilada and chicken flautas to the table. "Muy caliente!" he cautioned. My college Spanish kicked into gear and I understood that he was telling me my plate was very hot. I grinned as he set my plate on the table. I'd heard this one before. Sensing a possibility of warmth coming from my plate, I played it safe and used my very strong pinkies to scoot my plate a little closer to where I was sitting.

Ouch.

When you have nerves of steel like I do, it is easy to hide any feelings you might have, or any emotions that may come. Somehow, though, el camarero figured out that I was in seething pain. Or at least my pinkies were. He stood at the end of our table and shook his head. "I told you so." he quite audibly scolded.

I laughed. My parents laughed. My siblings laughed. The table behind me laughed. El camarero laughed. My enchilada probably laughed too. We all had a good time.

So let me give you all this word of advice. When you go to El Torito, and your camarero says your plate is muy caliente, believe him. He's not kidding.

Must...Play...Faster!

If there's one thing to be said about banjo pickers, it's that they always raise the bar when it comes to tempo. It's easy enough, after all. They only need to move three fingers. With just a little effort, a banjo picker can hone their skill to the point of driving the rhythm guitar insane.
Oh hello! It's me again; your friendly neighborhood rhythm guitarist struggling to keep up.

I don't mean to be "that picker" who complains that the music is too fast, but I am sometimes. When those times come, I have to find ways to step up my game. It's time for:

Mark's tips of the trade! Episode: Train 45

Besides a stiff macchiato (as only the Italians can serve), there are not many ways to improve your quick picking abilities on the spot. When the banjo picker kicks off Train 45, you guitarists better be on time or die trying. (That is, figuratively die.) Let me introduce you to something I call "The Half-time strum" (I need a better name for it, clearly).
Step 1: Down stroke with your pick the bass note of a chord. Do it very quickly.
Step 2: Pivoting on the momentum of your down stroke, play the rest of the chord on the upstroke. Quickly.
Step 3: Repeat. Super super quickly.

When you first try it, it may sound somewhat empty. But when the timing of the song gets along in a hurry, you'll be glad you tried it. Watch people like Del McCoury, Jamie Dailey, Dustin Pyrtle and more use this technique on all the fast ones. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for us, eh?


For those of you who completely zoned out through all of that since you aren't a guitar player, just know that I either completely revolutionized the way they play rhythm, or messed them up bad enough to ruin their music career for the rest of eternity.

Next time you see me in concert, pay close attention when we hit a fast song. I'll be in all sorts of pain trying to keep up. Just shout from the audience "Hey, Mark! Don't forget your Half-time strum!" If I hear you, I will be grateful to you for reminding me. Please don't request another fast song from the audience. I will die. Figuratively, not literally.

10 Reasons to be Happy!

Let's face it: Life stinks sometimes.

Even the happiest of people get the blues every now and then. It happens. No one ever promised life would be fair. And it's not, believe me.
But even in the midst of life's trials, there indeed are reasons to smile. Here are just ten in order from least to greatest.

10. You're not a brontosaurus
This is definitely a reason to smile. Imagine how tough it would be not being a real dinosaur until someone figured out that you actually were. And think of how sad it would make you to see people eating chicken nuggets in the shape of your friends. It's probably not even real chicken.

9. You are not Force sensitive 
Just when you think Force powers would be good to have, imagine what a sneeze must do. The Force would suddenly intensify profusely for a split second, destroying everything within reach. What's that you say? Use the Force to not sneeze? C'mon, do you really have that presence of mind before a sneeze? No. That's not how the Force works, young padawan.

8.  You are not the hedges in my backyard
If you were, I would have the unpleasant duty of walking by you every so often and hacking your limbs off. Be glad you are not my hedges. If you are my hedges and you're reading this, I have a huge question...
How did you get the Wi-Fi password?

7. You are not a spider
If you were, no one would like you. And you'd have to eat bugs all the time. But no worries, I know for a fact you are not a spider, because spiders can't type, even if they can surf the web.

6. You are not me
Not just because of the outrageous pun you all rolled your eyes at. But seriously, I would never get along with myself if there were more than one of me. I annoy myself enough as it is.

5. You are not William Jackson Millingtonworth 
Because no one has ever heard of him and he actually doesn't exist.

4. You are you
And you do that so well. Keep doing that!

3. You can breathe
So take a moment real quick and do it. See? Felt good! Don't forget to do that periodically.

2. If there is a tomorrow, you have a second chance
So you messed up today? Only one thing you can do: Don't mess up tomorrow. Chances look fairly good that tomorrow will come. If it doesn't, you can say you tried today. Just remember not to let today be the day you wish yesterday was. Did I lose you there?

1. You woke up on the right side of the dirt
If you can read this without having to open your coffin, congratulations! You have the opportunity to do stuff. Seem trivial? Just like I said earlier, if tomorrow never comes, you have today. Make it a good one! Those of you who know me (which is probably all of you) know that I count this as a huge blessing. God took a look at me and all the stupid stuff I've done and still said "Yup, give him another shot at it."


So, if you read this entire post, you have no excuse to not be smiling now. If you're happy and you know it, shout "yahoo". If you just audibly shouted, you are my best friend. If you sang that song out loud, you are my best-est friend. If you're still not smiling, oh well. Better luck tomorrow.

The Most Relevant Blog Post You'll Ever Read

This is the age of pseudo-professional bloggers. You know, guys and girls like me who write stuff that runs around in their heads that they hope others will want to read.  If that is you, and you are reading this, you are my people. If you're not, know my people are everywhere. After all, this is the Internet.

Here's the problem: if you're anything like me, you will get quite bored reading mundane, un-creative, tedious posts about making dinner or card tricks or something. If you're a lot like me, you'll get sick of reading Gagnam Style, Justin-Kardashian-Bieber,  Star Wars XVIIIIIIII, pop culture-riddled posts that will be obsolete by the time I publish this. But I guess it depends on who you are.

So what do we write about? Well, depends on your genre.

Are you a Mom-blogger? Please tell us about your children. What do they eat? What are they allergic to? Did they teach you some little nugget of wisdom inadvertently as all children stereotypically do? All the other stay-at-home-moms will be inspired to be as good a mother as you someday. Oh and please post of video of you in a happy Chewbaca mask. That could be viral....

Are you a poet? Please publish the works that are your life blood that no one wants to pay for. Every so often, include one about being a starving artist and implicitly beg for your readers to support you financially. They won't, but at least you can say you tried. In rhyme.

Are you a political activist? Please tell me why I'm the world's biggest sucker for voting for my candidate of choice. Be as sensational as possible. Avoid facts. Your party and candidate will thank you. Now's the best time for this, what with the election and all. Mention Donald Trump's name to get more views and more fights.

Are you someone who leads a boring life? Write a "Dear Diary" but make it all up. Observe:

Dear Diary, I wish those people in Hollywood would stop calling me about playing the next Indiana Jones for their series reboot. Everyone knows that guy who plays Han Solo would be the best. Or Chris Pratt, who sent me a letter once. Anyway, it was good to hear from Chuck Norris today. He called me on the phone to ask how to pronounce 回し蹴りをスピニング。 (which is Mawashigeri o supiningu). Oh well, gotta run down to the White House now. This country ain't gonna run itself!

Are you a movie critic? Please spend your hard-earned cash to give me the pros and cons of each movie that ever hits the big screen. Is it worth my time? Will I be bored? And please no spoilers. What kind of cruel person would do that??  Make sure to add lame and weak levity to your critiques like "Is it enough we all found out we were pronouncing Voldemort's name wrong? And what's with the nose?"

Are you a humorist that reflects on his own life and times?  Write a blog post about writing relevant blog posts. Mention as many famous stars as you can. Make a few pop culture references too. You're also me. Way to go, me, on the meta-blogging (you know, blogging about blogging).

Hopefully, if you came here looking for valid tips, I was of some help to you. If I wasn't, you could always book me to come speak at your corporate event, you know, to clarify. I don't charge much...that is, no more than Steven Spielberg would charge....

When We All Get to Heaven

I pass by friends all the time on campus and more often than not, we stop and talk awhile.

We never pass up an opportunity to lament about midterms and finals. We all go through them and the struggle is very real. It's one that's relevant to us and we all begin to feel close...like astronauts about to go to space in a 1930s airplane with no parachutes. You know: Ill-prepared. Not suited well for success.

I can't help but think that it won't be like this when we die. When we get to Heaven, there won't be any finals and homework and stuff. We'll already have passed our final.

But then I think about what happens to us college students right after an exam. We suddenly become friends.  There is something about the harrowing experience that brings us all together.

Then I can't help but think, this is what Heaven will be like. We'll have gone through life and experienced death and everything. We'll all feel connected like that.

I was watching Hopalong Cassidy the other day. It made me a little sad and lonesome for the days when the good guy always won. I feel like I missed out on the days when the average townsfolk had no qualms about joining the hero's posse to bring Truth and Justice to the lawless.

And I can't help but think that it won't be this way after life is over. In Heaven, there will be no bad guys. The good guys will already have won and will have no more battles left to fight.

Think about that, the final battle will be finished. That makes all of us saints "the good guys" in the town. We'll be sitting on the front porch of Heaven's general store remarking about how great it's been since He's "cleaned up this town".

So I think again how wonderful Heaven will be with no more need to join a posse. There's one job description that won't exist!

But now I'm thinking about politics. And laughing. Then crying. We're doomed. We also have great things to look forward to. Talk about being bipolar.

In Heaven, there will only be one party. There will only be one Ruler. No economical problems, no foreign policy issues, no more debates. What a day of rejoicing THAT will be!!

Until then, however, we must remain patient and remain occupied.
So my best advice is read The Book and order pizza. At then least it will feel like you've had some success. No, honestly, that's the best advice I got. Too busy with finals to think up anything else.

When I First Met You Down on Lover's Lane...

This post is actually a response post. A blogging friend of mine, Sarah Liz, invited all the blogging dudes she knows to give a list of the top five things to look for in a girl since she did one the other way around. Fair enough.

She knows as well as anybody else that bluegrass song writers have been trying to settle on a top five since the Monroe Brothers recorded their RCA Victor album in 1936.  But I suppose everyone is different in their opinions. Here are my top five:

5. Wears muddy boots.  

"Wow, Mark," you must be thinking, "way to take it to a very shallow level." Maybe you don't understand the significance of muddy boots. An adventurous girl would never wear sandals to go rock hopping in a creek bed, nor would she wear running shoes to go hiking on a mountain. "But, Mark," you complain again, "doesn't having messy boots indicate that she's sloppy and untidy?"  In the first place, I said "muddy" not "messy" and besides,  even if she cleaned her boots regularly, it wouldn't matter if they only got muddy again shortly thereafter. If a girl is adventurous enough to get her boots muddy, she understands how to prepare for the unpredictable and be able to roll with the punches.

4. A Multi-Instrumentalist. 

A girl with the patience to learn how to play several instruments and be able to create music fluidly and interchangeably with each one has the patience to deal with a guy like me, and to properly raise a family. Learning your first instrument is hard. Being able to stay focused on it to master it requires patience. Learning a second, third, fourth, bazillionth instrument builds on your patience. Being married is hard (so I'm told). Marriages often fail when either party loses patience with the other.

3.Great fishing stories. 

"Okay, Mark," you interrupt again, "what's this one for? Memory?"  Let me tell you about fishing, since you obviously don't get my drift here. When you throw your bait into the water, your brain begins to come up with hundreds of reasons why you will not catch anything. Maybe you cast your rod the wrong way, the sun is in your eyes, this isn't "the spot", your bait probably fell off once it hit the water, a turtle stole your hook, etc. But if you don't commit, you will never catch anything. You need to be stronger than what tries to stop you. A girl who has epic fishing stories knows the commitment it takes and the overall strength one must posses to actually be successful and reel in "the big one". In this fast-moving society, young people have trouble sitting in one spot and waiting for something uncertain to happen. Those with great fishing stories do not have this problem.

2. Sings in harmony. 

Many people just want someone to talk to. Sad fact, they get themselves a boyfriend/girlfriend for solely that purpose. True, I may look for a girl who listens to me, but she also should not hesitate to add her own voice. Harmonizers are some of the most well respected in the bluegrass industry. They can blend with literally anyone (maybe with the exception of Bob Dylan, but that's a different post) that needs backing up. A girl who can harmonize knows how to listen, but is not afraid to contribute, to add, to blend her perspective.

1.Can sing the last verse to "Awake My Soul And With the Sun".

"Whoa now, Mark! Aren't we getting a little too specific, here?!?" Thanks for another interruption, again. If a girl can sing the last verse to this specific hymn, I know she's been spending a lot of time in church. When you spend a lot of time in church, you tend to go through the hymnals (please tell me I'm not the only one??). Not only are the lyrics to this song deep, the last verse is where the Doxology comes from. A girl who knows this and can sing this clearly puts God first in her life before all else. 

Now first off, this post by no means indicates that if you posses these allegorical qualities that we're going to hit it off well and end up on the same burial plot when our grandchildren lay us to rest. This is not the magical checklist that makes me fall in love with you. Sorry.

But now let me address the men reading this.

It seems we are especially zealous about making "checklists". It seems we always hang out and say things like:

"Hey bruh, what do you want in a girl?"
"Oh, I'm glad you asked, broham. Here's my official checklist accompanied by a diagram to scale."

Maybe we need to think a little more critically about this whole situation. Have you ever thought past that and wondered what kind of husband you want to be? "Super macho" is a given, I mean besides that. If I expect the future Mrs. to be a good listener, shouldn't I also be a good listener? If I expect the future Mrs. to be patient, should I also put forth the same effort? Should I exhibit the same attitude of strength and commitment? Should I be trying to move closer to God to let Him direct my paths? I think we can agree the answer is yes to all of the above. After all, the future Mrs. and I are going to be living together until death do us part, if not longer.
Let me extend this challenge to all my bros who are single:
Learn to harmonize, don't be afraid to get your boots muddy, and don't leave God when you finally find a girl.

I was a Teenage Guitar Player

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but I just want to say how thankful I am that I was homeschooled.

"Oh no," you're probably groaning, "more propaganda about the joys of homeschooling."
Not this time.

Some people do, however, complain that homeschooling your children will prohibit them from learning how to talk with strangers and other members of the human race. How did I overcome this "problem"?

I was a musician.

"Ohhh suuure, Mark. That will totally help," you sarcastically think.

But seriously. From a relatively young age, I was standing in front of crowds of people and talking with them and singing to them. In fact, being in front of rank strangers since I was twelve taught me how to deal with people in general.

There was always that one person who asked embarrassing questions like "When are you gonna get married and leave the band?" Yessir, loaded questions were sure a lot of fun.  Especially because a twelve year old is not necessarily the most tactful as far as humor goes. My answer was usually "Thursday."
Then there were real live musicians who recognized that I wasn't the best of guitarists at the time (and some things never change) who would try to coach me to be more musically mature and say things like "I wouldn't kick it off so fast if I were you," to which I would think "Thankfully, you're not me."
Ah yes, my immature youth. Little did I realize how much dealing with the public would teach me as far as life goes.

Nowadays, I'm a grown up. (Stop laughing, I am grown up.) I've learned to answer the questions more seriously. Observe,

"When are you gonna get married and leave the band?"
--Do I have to do all that in that order?
"Why must you play all your songs so fast?"
--I'm trying to stay slim.
"How come your singing is so terrible?"
--You didn't like my Bob Dylan impression?

Let's face it, sometimes, people know better than you. Deal with it. Accept you're wrong. (Owie.)
Sometimes, people don't have a clue what they're talking about. Thank them for caring enough to try and help you anyway.

The bottom line is, people are very unpredictable. As a homeschooled professional musician, I do not fear. I have had experience with them all.

Take chances and don't be safe!

It is every musician's desire to grow. It is also every musician's desire to keep their pride. It is hereby we are split between the impulse to try something new or go with what we know.

Let me just explain with an example. That one Tony Rice lick you've been practicing all month would sound really good in your solo for "Worried Man Blues", but the banjo picker kicked it off faster than usual (ain't that just like them?). Should you keep playing the same, stale, old solo? Or should you try to cram all those notes into that tiny little space in the rhythm?

Sound familiar? Good. Welcome to the club.


My complex and comprehensive philosophy of the experimentation of your abilities, talents, and mad skillz in music is this:
Do it.

Yes, just go ahead and try that thing you were going to do. You'll never learn any other way. And besides, if you wait until the banjo picker kicks it off at the right speed, you'll never be good enough when the banjo picker kicks it off fast again.

Of course it will be uncomfortable. Of course you might flop. Of course the bass player will laugh at you (and seriously, he's always laughing. What's his problem?). But don't let any of it bother you. Try it unabashedly next time. And the next. And next.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Never try crossing the ocean if you don't have the courage to lose sight of the shore. The early bird catches the worm and the second mouse gets the cheese. And and and I'm trying to think of another inspirational quote...but you get the picture I hope.

The Truth About Sound Systems...

Though most of my career is spent on the backside of the microphone, I have done my fair share of sitting behind the mystical and ominous soundboard. While I don't claim to be the best, I have proven myself quite adept at mixing sound.


But, mixing sound can be hard if the musician won't cooperate. After all, when I say "Please test your vocal mic," I don't mean say "check" once and wait. When I don't hear your voice, I turn you up. When you speak again and blow my eardrums out, I can't help but shake my head.

Then I have to put up with the guy who plays his instrument into his mic, waiting for me to get the level set, and then he won't quit! How can we move on to the next mic if you're still playing? Oh yeah. We can't.

The best sound checks happen when the artist shows the sound guy some respect. So now, we will look at a few phrases the artist and/or sound engineer might think about employing for a more enjoyable sound check experience.

Can't hear the baritone vocalist? Instead of "Does that guy have a microphone? Is it turned on? Am I the only deaf person?" 
Consider: "Gentleman in the blue shirt with the dorky bowtie, I wish I could hear more of that glorious baritone in the house." To which should come the reply "Check..."

Banjo player too close to his mic? Instead of "Hold on now, Bubba, stop everything and back up!"
Consider: "The banjo's rich and driving sound would develop much more nicer and fuller if you took a few hundred steps back."

No bass player in the band? Too bad.

Guitar sound hole feeding back? Instead of "Gnahhhhh! That noisssse!"
Consider: "My bad."

I hope the sound men can find some of these to be quite helpful as they continue their quest to make every band sound good. I hope all the pickers reading can now finally empathize with all the technicians and engineers who make the "Check, check 1,2" audible.

Is this thing on?

There is nothing quite like the tender relationship between a musician and his sound engineer. No matter what the venue is like, sound problems go back to one of two people: The performer, and the guy at the soundboard.

As an acoustic picker, I have run into many different kinds of sound engineers. The inconsistency thereof is precisely why I got an endorsement from L.R. Baggs acoustic preamps and now use their Anthem SL and Venue DI (shameless plug!!!). Depending on the what category the soundman falls under, I know how to adjust the settings on my acoustic preamp so I don't sound like a guy with a bad soundman.


Category I - The Expert In His Own Mind

This is the guy who sits at the board and does not speak until spoken to. You plead with him for help, but his response is usually short. "I know what I'm doing!" or "I don't do it that way!" are some commonly used sentences from him. As soon as the music starts, he falls asleep and is not heard from until you're at the autograph tables after the show.

Category II - The Expert In His Own Genre

When you approach this guy, the first thing you notice is his Metallica t-shirt and the teeth-grinding-loud earbuds in his ears. He has never heard of bluegrass, but is excited to see a real banjo in the flesh. When trying to mic a mandolin, he almost tears up. Cut this guy some slack. He didn't know instruments could be played acoustically.

Category III - The Expert In Nothing

This guy was the first one through the door and has no clue what a sound system does. He offers to help because he was the one closest to the soundboard. If this well-meaning guy is running sound, there ain't nothing you can do but grin and bear it. If there are any problems, apologize to your band members just because. You're doomed.

Category IV - The Expert

This guy actually knows what causes feedback and he knows how to fix it on the fly. The first thing out of his mouth when you meet is "What do you need on stage?" and then you actually get it all! The sound is perfect. All of the mic cords are neat and tidy and the monitors really do work! At the end of the show, he is nowhere to be seen and you wish you could thank him personally and buy him a Cadillac.


Anyone who has been in bluegrass for any length of time has worked with all these guys. It can be downright depressing at times. But believe me, it is NOT all one way. Many of the problems on stage can be traced back to the artist himself. I will discuss this in the next post. Stay tuned!!

Lester the Lonesome Goldfish, and other pet names

Dogs, cats, fish, gerbils, raccoons; all these are types of pets commonly found in a bluegrass-loving household. Bluegrass musicians often write songs about their dogs and such, but many find it hard to rhyme "Fido" and harder to refer to a gerbil.  Beside that, when you name a pet, you want to name it something that will make a statement and mean something. Naming your pet after your favorite composer may be a great conversation-starter, but I dare you to find a rhyme for Tchaikovsky (assuming he was your favorite)!

This being said, allow me to suggest some suggestions.

Try to name your pet like you would your own child (see previous post) except use as few names as possible. Having a long name may make training difficult:
"C'mere, William Jimmy Tater Monroe! Sit, William Jimmy Tater Monroe! You're not listening, are you, William Jimmy Tater Monroe?"

Try to stick with only one name. If you feel one name doesn't capture the true character of your pet, use a title. This can be something simple as "Mr, or Ms", the name of your state, or you can find an adjective from any bluegrass band's name. "Lonesome, blue, wild, gentle, etc." could all work when paired with a simple name.

Here are a few examples from the above template:

Mr. Jimmy
Ms. Maybelle
Wild Lester (raccoons only)
Gentle Ben (if your pet is a bear)
Arizona Rhonda
Lonesome William
Tennessee Tater

Hope this gets your pet started right! If you use any of these names, please let me know!

Bluegrass Royalty

So I hear tell that the Royal family over in the old Country had a recent addition to the household.  That's sweet.  They named it, as they usually do, after notable past and historical members of royalty so as to carry on those illustrious names and legacies for generations to come.

Why don't bluegrassers do that? Or do they?

I guess it's about time to start. I have here a by-no-means-exhaustive list of some "bluegrass royalty" names and what they mean for your child.

Son--

William/Bill: The highest honor to give your son is to name him after the Father of Bluegrass himself!  He will be a tough, but very innovative boss. People will look up to him. (Warning: If you start calling him Willy, it may become of some concern should he meet a young girl named Pretty Polly, but that's another story)

James/Jimmy: If you had a two-dollar-bill for every bluegrass legend with the name James or Jimmy, you would have enough money to retire from bluegrass (until next month's bill comes in). This name most notably throws back to the King of Bluegrass himself. Dress your son in a red and white checkered cowboy hat.

Ralph: Your son will be looked up to as a true patriarchal figure.  A strong and true leader.  When he cries, it will have a Stanley Mountain Sound to it.
Carter (If twins): You could sell tickets to hear this son cry.

Tater: Your son will be a bass player and a good ol southern boy.

Daughter--

Maybelle: Your daughter will be an inspirational role model and will assume leadership positions with ease.  Named after Mother Maybelle Carter, she will be highly revered in her musical endeavors.

Rhonda: It doesn't get any more royal! Naming your daughter after the queen of bluegrass is significant, because she will be successful no matter which genre of music she will play!  Teach her to make Martha White biscuits at a young age.

Gloria Belle: She will be a trailblazer. A legend. A pioneer to go where no woman has gone before. Named after the famed bass player in the Sunny Mountain Boys.

Tater: Your daughter will be a bass player and a good ol southern gal.


That's about all I got for now.  The above list will get your child-rearing off to a great start and help preserve the royal bluegrass heritage.

Stay tuned for "How to name your pets in the bluegrass way without being sappy".

Pleasant Dreams....maybe.

Some say I'm a dreamer.  No really. Some actually do say that.  I have to agree with them, too.  I have ALWAYS had an overactive mind and aspirations as lofty as the forehead on a giraffe with glandular issues.  But, we all find out sooner or later that our dreams and reality are sometimes two very different things.

Basically, I don't ask for much.  My bucket list has three things on it:

1. Play the Opry
2. Play Carnegie Hall
3. Grow a beard

So far, nothing has been crossed off.  Very depressing, I know.  Do you have any idea how long I've waited for a beard?

Besides that, we as human beings tend to make lists for ourselves. Lists to remind us to do things, to not do things, and to make list of lists telling us to list things to do or not.  It gets exhausting!  I could try and offer sound advice like "Stop with the lists already" but then you would have to put that down on another list of reasons why you should get rid of your lists.  MAKE IT STOP!

Behold, I have come up with a revolutionary way to achieve your dreams, no matter how wild, utilizing minimal strategic lists and painful memorization!  Here are three basic plans:

Plan A: The Under-Over-Achiever

    Here's how this works:  Lump all your dreams into one generic achievement. This way, the interpretation of your goal can be ambiguous and you'll soon justify crossing everything off your list!  For example, my above bucket list could just consist of one item: "Grow up and get a job".  This is sure to be crossed off soon, and depending on how you look at it, I could cross it off right now!


Plan B: The Over-Under-Achiever

     This may seem a little bit like the previous plan, but it is totally worth giving a try anyway.  Break up all of your goals into teeny tiny little baby-step-goals.  You're bound to cross off the majority of your list as you write it!  Observe Plan B going into effect with my previous list: GOAL#1:  1.) Buy a guitar, 2.) Learn to play chords, 3.) Learn a song, 4.) Start a band, 5.) Work up a repertoire,  6.) Play gigs, 7.) Play the Opry. 8-14.) Repeat previous steps and play Carnegie Hall, 15.) Grow a beard
Did you see that?  I can cross off most everything but the last few items! Cyber high-five! (Now go explain why you just gave your computer screen a high five)


Plan C: The Finisher

     Open your mouth and scream "I'm finished!" and tear your list of goals into shreds.  Done. Forget goals. Can't you be satisfied with what you have?

This hopefully inspired you to do things you can be proud of and to keep your dreams happy ones.
I hope I was of some help to you.  Keep on keeping on!