Gif me a Break.

I would like to point out once and for all that "gif" is pronounced with a hard g sound as in "Graphic Image File.

This may not seem like a huge deal to most, but I confess that when I hear someone pronounce it "jif", a little piece of my soul dies.

To make my point as clear as possible, and at the suggestion of some friends, I did what any other bluegrass musician would've done: I wrote a protest song.

As far as protest songs go, this is my first one. However, I hope that it possibly makes people think and I hope that it really shows the "jif" people the error of their ways.

Please share if you pronounce gif the correct way! The Internet community needs you. Badly.

The Wheels on the Bus Come On and Off....

I wish I were making this up. The day before we left on a long road trip to play two gigs over the weekend, I was sitting in my living room with a refrigerator door in pieces spread out before me. Basically, I was trying to pull a 0.125" thick piece of plywood out from the plastic frame to no avail.

Our RV is old by RV standards. We've been traveling to gigs in it for years and years. It's seen a lot of wear and tear. Up until this week, we had duct tape keeping the refrigerator door from falling off. Our air conditioning would only blow out warm air (thus defeating the purpose of even having it) and the generator wouldn't start. And those are just the minor problems.

So, the week before we hit the road, I'm running all over the state trying to manipulate what is left of our RV like a reverse game of Jenga.

To make a long story short, our RV was not fixed. It was merely propped up together so that the wheels could roll and take us to our destination.

We've seen a lot of good times with that RV. So many happy memories. So many exciting adventures and excursions.

While we were at said gig, another nationally touring band parked their huge bus near the stage. It was beautiful. It even had their faces on it. Breath taking.

Just when you thought this post was about being content with the things you have, I'm announcing that I'm making plans to hijack their bus on the way back to Nashville if any of you want to help. We'll meet at the rendezvous with the recognition code "Prevost".

1000 views! Very first interactive post!

Such a joyous occasion! A few days ago, this blog reached 1000 page views! What's a dude like me to do? Celebrate of course!

So, to celebrate, I am going to compile a group of videos that YOU will make. I will list a list of prompts. You will choose any prompt and create a humorous video based off of the prompt. When you all turn them in, I will compile them to form a completely fictional account of how I started this blog. If you want to choose more than one prompt, be my guest. Don't tell me you don't make videos. I know you do. Even if you don't, do it. C'mon, it's a celebration!

Here they are:

Prompt 1: Four siblings are eating dinner and each have a very important announcement.
Prompt 2: Something is missing from the internet.
Prompt 3: Heavy Metal: The Bluegrass Musical.
Prompt 4: Really bad blog name ideas.
Prompt 5: Accidental hero returns home.


All of the above should include a character named Mark (hence the fictional account of how I started this blog) and can be however long or short as you want. Keep em funny, fictional, and clean. I can hardly wait to see what you all create.

Also, the famed blogger Kimberly Grace is just a few views shy of 2000. I wonder how she will celebrate?

Thanks a million for visiting with me on this site. Here's to more good times in the future! Y'all come back now, ya hear?

Every Western Ever

There's no need a looking for Roy and for Gene,
They've disappeared from the big movie screen,
They've been replaced now by violence galore,
And nobody kisses their horse anymore.

If any of you all have heard the above song, you get my overall feeling for old westerns. I grew up on them and still watch them when I get the chance. I miss the days when our silver screen heroes kissed their horses.  Ever since I can recall I've wanted to be a cowboy, and sometimes, I wish I owned a horse to kiss. I was talking with a fellow western-enthusiast the other day (you may know her from her blog) and we thought about some of the greatest western movie cliches that no western should be without.

1. If you can't decide if you're good or bad, look at your hat or facial hair. 
With the exception of Hopalong Cassidy, good guys wear white hats. Bad guys wear anything from black hats, to grey hats, to bowler hats, to Dapper Dan pomade. Bad guys also have a very wimpy mustache that's almost unnoticeable until you see them up close.

2. Getting shot is no big deal. Getting hung is another story.
For being a common method of threats and intimidation, gunshot wounds are the easiest to patch up. Just take the ol bandanna, put arm in it as a sling, make sure the elderly doc takes a look at it, and that cowboy is up and running by the next scene! Also, shooting a man is punishable by hanging. Cheating at cards is punishable by hanging. Stealing cattle is punishable by hanging. Falsely hanging someone is punishable by hanging. There's no recovering from the trusty necktie party. Bummer.

3. On the white hat team, there are two sidekicks. One thinks of food, and the other thinks of girls.
The hero is lonely and hungry.

4. The bad guys have bigger blabber mouths than the sidekick who thinks of girls.
Even though the sidekick who thinks of girls is always telling the hero's plans to the girl who was actually working for the bad guy, it is usually the bad guys who tell more of the family secrets. How often has the hero been tied up in a chair inside a deserted cabin to have the bad guy say "And now that I have captured you and am going to shoot you and kill you, I will be free to go back into town and rig the election so I will be the mayor and impose ridiculous taxes on the incoming cattle so I can make a fortune and bankrupt cattle farmers from here to Kansas!" Thanks for the info, El Diablo.

In tandem with this we have...

5. Bad guys are all stupid except for the leader.
Seriously, we would never know what the evil plan was if the Boss didn't repeat it for the umpteenth time, and this time conveniently on the silver screen for the viewer's delight. Sounds something like: "I don't get it boss, why do we steal the gold when we can just get a job and earn it?" "Listen, lunkhead, I'll do all the thinking!" Amirite?

6. Of all the Indian tribes that were stirred up in the west, the Apache is the only one to be scared of.
"The Apaches are coming!" No way. Cue the crying women, frightened children, and noble sharpshooters. Sure, history documents that the Apaches made a lot of attacks in the olden days, but that's a different story.  Where are the other tribes? The Apache territory was placed in the southwest from Arizona to the southern side of Texas, a relatively small area. You can't tell me every single western took place in that one teensy area. Oh, you can? Ok then.

7. Dynamite is a game changer.
For some reason, there's always the old timer with dynamite. Or maybe that was just Gabby Hayes. At least he was always around when they needed him.

I anticipate a stampede of western movie enthusiasts pointing out all of their favorite shows or movies that doesn't fall into these cliches. To those people I say hold your horses and holster your guns! You noticed I left out the part about the singing and yodeling posse (and I saw a movie once where they bad guys where the singers), the horse that understands complicated instructions ("Go find Dale and tell her I need some rope, Trigger!") and that one old man named Grubstake who served as the toothless comedic relief. There are a lot of generalizations to be made with any old movies, but the ones listed are my absolute favorites.

As I ride into the sunset, I just want to emphasize how much I miss good old fashioned westerns. Entertainment just ain't the same without them.

Until we meet again, happy trails, saddle pals!

So let's take our hats off to those long gone cowboys
The Hoppys, the Genes, Rex Allens, and Roys,
They've cast a long shadow we're all searching for,
Where nobody kisses their horse anymore.

When I First Met You Down on Lover's Lane...

This post is actually a response post. A blogging friend of mine, Sarah Liz, invited all the blogging dudes she knows to give a list of the top five things to look for in a girl since she did one the other way around. Fair enough.

She knows as well as anybody else that bluegrass song writers have been trying to settle on a top five since the Monroe Brothers recorded their RCA Victor album in 1936.  But I suppose everyone is different in their opinions. Here are my top five:

5. Wears muddy boots.  

"Wow, Mark," you must be thinking, "way to take it to a very shallow level." Maybe you don't understand the significance of muddy boots. An adventurous girl would never wear sandals to go rock hopping in a creek bed, nor would she wear running shoes to go hiking on a mountain. "But, Mark," you complain again, "doesn't having messy boots indicate that she's sloppy and untidy?"  In the first place, I said "muddy" not "messy" and besides,  even if she cleaned her boots regularly, it wouldn't matter if they only got muddy again shortly thereafter. If a girl is adventurous enough to get her boots muddy, she understands how to prepare for the unpredictable and be able to roll with the punches.

4. A Multi-Instrumentalist. 

A girl with the patience to learn how to play several instruments and be able to create music fluidly and interchangeably with each one has the patience to deal with a guy like me, and to properly raise a family. Learning your first instrument is hard. Being able to stay focused on it to master it requires patience. Learning a second, third, fourth, bazillionth instrument builds on your patience. Being married is hard (so I'm told). Marriages often fail when either party loses patience with the other.

3.Great fishing stories. 

"Okay, Mark," you interrupt again, "what's this one for? Memory?"  Let me tell you about fishing, since you obviously don't get my drift here. When you throw your bait into the water, your brain begins to come up with hundreds of reasons why you will not catch anything. Maybe you cast your rod the wrong way, the sun is in your eyes, this isn't "the spot", your bait probably fell off once it hit the water, a turtle stole your hook, etc. But if you don't commit, you will never catch anything. You need to be stronger than what tries to stop you. A girl who has epic fishing stories knows the commitment it takes and the overall strength one must posses to actually be successful and reel in "the big one". In this fast-moving society, young people have trouble sitting in one spot and waiting for something uncertain to happen. Those with great fishing stories do not have this problem.

2. Sings in harmony. 

Many people just want someone to talk to. Sad fact, they get themselves a boyfriend/girlfriend for solely that purpose. True, I may look for a girl who listens to me, but she also should not hesitate to add her own voice. Harmonizers are some of the most well respected in the bluegrass industry. They can blend with literally anyone (maybe with the exception of Bob Dylan, but that's a different post) that needs backing up. A girl who can harmonize knows how to listen, but is not afraid to contribute, to add, to blend her perspective.

1.Can sing the last verse to "Awake My Soul And With the Sun".

"Whoa now, Mark! Aren't we getting a little too specific, here?!?" Thanks for another interruption, again. If a girl can sing the last verse to this specific hymn, I know she's been spending a lot of time in church. When you spend a lot of time in church, you tend to go through the hymnals (please tell me I'm not the only one??). Not only are the lyrics to this song deep, the last verse is where the Doxology comes from. A girl who knows this and can sing this clearly puts God first in her life before all else. 

Now first off, this post by no means indicates that if you posses these allegorical qualities that we're going to hit it off well and end up on the same burial plot when our grandchildren lay us to rest. This is not the magical checklist that makes me fall in love with you. Sorry.

But now let me address the men reading this.

It seems we are especially zealous about making "checklists". It seems we always hang out and say things like:

"Hey bruh, what do you want in a girl?"
"Oh, I'm glad you asked, broham. Here's my official checklist accompanied by a diagram to scale."

Maybe we need to think a little more critically about this whole situation. Have you ever thought past that and wondered what kind of husband you want to be? "Super macho" is a given, I mean besides that. If I expect the future Mrs. to be a good listener, shouldn't I also be a good listener? If I expect the future Mrs. to be patient, should I also put forth the same effort? Should I exhibit the same attitude of strength and commitment? Should I be trying to move closer to God to let Him direct my paths? I think we can agree the answer is yes to all of the above. After all, the future Mrs. and I are going to be living together until death do us part, if not longer.
Let me extend this challenge to all my bros who are single:
Learn to harmonize, don't be afraid to get your boots muddy, and don't leave God when you finally find a girl.

All my Rowdy Friends are Bloggers

For those of you who have been consistently reading my posts (Thanks, Mom!) you may have found yourself searching my words for some deep, greater meaning and focus. You were probably trying to rationalize why a young buck like me with plenty of other responsibilities, would even bother posting his nuggets of wit and wisdom to a public website.

The answer is a simple one.

Ok, full disclosure, there is no answer. In my defense, it doesn't get more simple than being non existent.

But lately, I've noticed a lot of my friends blogging. Their respective focuses range from fan fiction to theology to NASCAR to whimsical storytelling and everything in between. Here's what's cool: They're all fun to read! I read (most) of them all! I can't wait til the next ones are published!

So you probably rationalize "Oh, he does it cause everyone else does it."
Not so, I say to you, not so.

I actually do this because NO ONE does it.
"Hold your horses", you rationalize again, "You just said--"
I know what I said.  I said I have friends who blog about a myriad of topics. But NONE of my friends blog about the bluegrass life (none of my friends argue with imaginary blog readers either).

You could say, it's my niche. Let's face it: I can't begin to give you what the Storymonger gives you. I'm an atrocious novelist.  I can't re-launch The Art of Manliness, because all of my research would refer back to the original Art of Manliness.
But I do know about my Life as a Bluegrass Musician! Oooh I like that title....

So forgetting about the fact that all my friends are doing it, I am contributing to the deep well of Internet wisdom by presenting you with the things I know about!

You're welcome, earth!

So this is to shout out to all my rowdy friends who post blogs either somewhat regularly, very regularly, or just that once before you forgot about it. Thanks for keeping people reading and thinking. Thanks for sharing your experiences, insights, and entertainment with the rest of us.