The Most Relevant Blog Post You'll Ever Read

This is the age of pseudo-professional bloggers. You know, guys and girls like me who write stuff that runs around in their heads that they hope others will want to read.  If that is you, and you are reading this, you are my people. If you're not, know my people are everywhere. After all, this is the Internet.

Here's the problem: if you're anything like me, you will get quite bored reading mundane, un-creative, tedious posts about making dinner or card tricks or something. If you're a lot like me, you'll get sick of reading Gagnam Style, Justin-Kardashian-Bieber,  Star Wars XVIIIIIIII, pop culture-riddled posts that will be obsolete by the time I publish this. But I guess it depends on who you are.

So what do we write about? Well, depends on your genre.

Are you a Mom-blogger? Please tell us about your children. What do they eat? What are they allergic to? Did they teach you some little nugget of wisdom inadvertently as all children stereotypically do? All the other stay-at-home-moms will be inspired to be as good a mother as you someday. Oh and please post of video of you in a happy Chewbaca mask. That could be viral....

Are you a poet? Please publish the works that are your life blood that no one wants to pay for. Every so often, include one about being a starving artist and implicitly beg for your readers to support you financially. They won't, but at least you can say you tried. In rhyme.

Are you a political activist? Please tell me why I'm the world's biggest sucker for voting for my candidate of choice. Be as sensational as possible. Avoid facts. Your party and candidate will thank you. Now's the best time for this, what with the election and all. Mention Donald Trump's name to get more views and more fights.

Are you someone who leads a boring life? Write a "Dear Diary" but make it all up. Observe:

Dear Diary, I wish those people in Hollywood would stop calling me about playing the next Indiana Jones for their series reboot. Everyone knows that guy who plays Han Solo would be the best. Or Chris Pratt, who sent me a letter once. Anyway, it was good to hear from Chuck Norris today. He called me on the phone to ask how to pronounce 回し蹴りをスピニング。 (which is Mawashigeri o supiningu). Oh well, gotta run down to the White House now. This country ain't gonna run itself!

Are you a movie critic? Please spend your hard-earned cash to give me the pros and cons of each movie that ever hits the big screen. Is it worth my time? Will I be bored? And please no spoilers. What kind of cruel person would do that??  Make sure to add lame and weak levity to your critiques like "Is it enough we all found out we were pronouncing Voldemort's name wrong? And what's with the nose?"

Are you a humorist that reflects on his own life and times?  Write a blog post about writing relevant blog posts. Mention as many famous stars as you can. Make a few pop culture references too. You're also me. Way to go, me, on the meta-blogging (you know, blogging about blogging).

Hopefully, if you came here looking for valid tips, I was of some help to you. If I wasn't, you could always book me to come speak at your corporate event, you know, to clarify. I don't charge much...that is, no more than Steven Spielberg would charge....