Dressing for Success: A step-by-step guide (with Pictures)

As the Father of Bluegrass once told a fiddler of his: "You can't play bluegrass wearing striped britches." Other than that, we conclude, anything goes.

My band and I strive to always dress well for our shows. In fact, if there were an IBMA Award for best dressed band, I would like to think many of y'all would cast a vote for us (knowing that the Del McCoury Band and Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver would win each year anyway).

Ask any bluegrass band if there is a right way or a wrong way to dress on stage and they will give you unintelligible answers. No one could mistake the Kentucky Derby look of the early Bluegrass Boys, then the string ties and hats of Flatt and Scruggs. But then along came a checkered cowboy hat from Jimmy Martin, followed by who-knows-what from the inimitable John Duffey.

Like this.

It's okay. I hear your cries for answers. To sum up the bluegrass cut of clothes as best as possible, we require a formally casual country themed business attire, where bolo ties and boots didn't die with the 90s.  Hats and mullets optional.

Let's break this down.

The above example is only okay in two situations. One: if you're starting a Southern Gospel group, and two: if you're going for the look of this classic album cover from 1999:

Notice how the camo hat in the first picture really makes his head look like it's not there. That's what camo does. Notice in the second picture, they look like they actually know what they are doing (unlike in the first picture).

Speaking of hats, let's talk about that.

The first bluegrass band never went without hats. Flatt and Scruggs seldom went without hats. However, if hats aren't your thing, you can omit them. Just make sure you have epic hair (a la Del McCoury, Ricky Skaggs, Larry Sparks, etc.)

Check out the side-by-side difference between the epic hat look and the epic hair look. If you can't be the Meyerband, you can always be the Johnson Mountain Boys.

Let's talk about ties. As far as which ones to wear, I would argue that Hot Rize is the clear winner.

Honorable mentions would be the following:

Basically anything these guys wear works.

And finally,

Sometimes I feel like we're the only group who still wears these bolo ties, but I could be wrong....

If you can't bring yourself to wear a suit and tie, you have the ever popular (and ever in style) Hawaiian shirt.

So there you have a by-no-means-exhaustive look at the official bluegrass dress code. There are so many different "looks" to a bluegrass band that it is a little difficult to precisely pin it down. 

Hopefully, you found this post to be enlightening. May your band always look like this:

And NEVER like this:

I told you John Duffey was eccentric. Now he's got Keith Whitley in on it, too.

4 Lessons I Learned On Tour

You know me, I always love traveling. If it were free, you'd never hear from me again...til I showed up at your house. Because it's free.

After several weeks of tromping through beautiful, dear, old Dixie, I bring our tour to a close next week with five nights at the OC Fair. I love my job.

Nothing is ever easy, and that includes doing the things I love. When life gives you lemons, pretend they're just oranges and eat them with a smile. Here are some nuggets of wisdom I gleaned from my most recent tour with my band:

1. Sit with your back to the wind around the campfire

The reason is simple: The smoke and ashes don't get in your eyes...

...as often.

2. Drive the California Highways with an even temper

We spent weeks in the south driving the highways without so much as one stupid driver, nor were there bumper-to-bumper cars crammed on the road. It was not long after we entered California again when the number of cars increased and the collective IQs diminished. That's all a part of traveling through the Golden State. Don't let it get to you, or you're gonna have a miserable trip.

3. Sometimes the thing tugging on your line ain't a fish

True story. 

4. If the hat fits, buy it (as long as it's not dirty)

It has been about four years since I've been able to fit in my performance hat. Frankly, I miss it. I've been meaning to buy a new one for years, but I have a head that's shaped like a de-horned gazelle (I guess?). Last week, I found one that actually fit on my noggin without hiding my ears or crushing my skull, but it was covered in dust and lint and the brim was bent. Needless to say, I'm still hat-less and will continue to perform so until further notice.

I hope these lessons will be of some help to you in the future. 

These lessons can also be metaphorical if you'd like. Think of something and get back to me.

Must...Play...Faster!

If there's one thing to be said about banjo pickers, it's that they always raise the bar when it comes to tempo. It's easy enough, after all. They only need to move three fingers. With just a little effort, a banjo picker can hone their skill to the point of driving the rhythm guitar insane.
Oh hello! It's me again; your friendly neighborhood rhythm guitarist struggling to keep up.

I don't mean to be "that picker" who complains that the music is too fast, but I am sometimes. When those times come, I have to find ways to step up my game. It's time for:

Mark's tips of the trade! Episode: Train 45

Besides a stiff macchiato (as only the Italians can serve), there are not many ways to improve your quick picking abilities on the spot. When the banjo picker kicks off Train 45, you guitarists better be on time or die trying. (That is, figuratively die.) Let me introduce you to something I call "The Half-time strum" (I need a better name for it, clearly).
Step 1: Down stroke with your pick the bass note of a chord. Do it very quickly.
Step 2: Pivoting on the momentum of your down stroke, play the rest of the chord on the upstroke. Quickly.
Step 3: Repeat. Super super quickly.

When you first try it, it may sound somewhat empty. But when the timing of the song gets along in a hurry, you'll be glad you tried it. Watch people like Del McCoury, Jamie Dailey, Dustin Pyrtle and more use this technique on all the fast ones. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for us, eh?


For those of you who completely zoned out through all of that since you aren't a guitar player, just know that I either completely revolutionized the way they play rhythm, or messed them up bad enough to ruin their music career for the rest of eternity.

Next time you see me in concert, pay close attention when we hit a fast song. I'll be in all sorts of pain trying to keep up. Just shout from the audience "Hey, Mark! Don't forget your Half-time strum!" If I hear you, I will be grateful to you for reminding me. Please don't request another fast song from the audience. I will die. Figuratively, not literally.

10 Reasons to be Happy!

Let's face it: Life stinks sometimes.

Even the happiest of people get the blues every now and then. It happens. No one ever promised life would be fair. And it's not, believe me.
But even in the midst of life's trials, there indeed are reasons to smile. Here are just ten in order from least to greatest.

10. You're not a brontosaurus
This is definitely a reason to smile. Imagine how tough it would be not being a real dinosaur until someone figured out that you actually were. And think of how sad it would make you to see people eating chicken nuggets in the shape of your friends. It's probably not even real chicken.

9. You are not Force sensitive 
Just when you think Force powers would be good to have, imagine what a sneeze must do. The Force would suddenly intensify profusely for a split second, destroying everything within reach. What's that you say? Use the Force to not sneeze? C'mon, do you really have that presence of mind before a sneeze? No. That's not how the Force works, young padawan.

8.  You are not the hedges in my backyard
If you were, I would have the unpleasant duty of walking by you every so often and hacking your limbs off. Be glad you are not my hedges. If you are my hedges and you're reading this, I have a huge question...
How did you get the Wi-Fi password?

7. You are not a spider
If you were, no one would like you. And you'd have to eat bugs all the time. But no worries, I know for a fact you are not a spider, because spiders can't type, even if they can surf the web.

6. You are not me
Not just because of the outrageous pun you all rolled your eyes at. But seriously, I would never get along with myself if there were more than one of me. I annoy myself enough as it is.

5. You are not William Jackson Millingtonworth 
Because no one has ever heard of him and he actually doesn't exist.

4. You are you
And you do that so well. Keep doing that!

3. You can breathe
So take a moment real quick and do it. See? Felt good! Don't forget to do that periodically.

2. If there is a tomorrow, you have a second chance
So you messed up today? Only one thing you can do: Don't mess up tomorrow. Chances look fairly good that tomorrow will come. If it doesn't, you can say you tried today. Just remember not to let today be the day you wish yesterday was. Did I lose you there?

1. You woke up on the right side of the dirt
If you can read this without having to open your coffin, congratulations! You have the opportunity to do stuff. Seem trivial? Just like I said earlier, if tomorrow never comes, you have today. Make it a good one! Those of you who know me (which is probably all of you) know that I count this as a huge blessing. God took a look at me and all the stupid stuff I've done and still said "Yup, give him another shot at it."


So, if you read this entire post, you have no excuse to not be smiling now. If you're happy and you know it, shout "yahoo". If you just audibly shouted, you are my best friend. If you sang that song out loud, you are my best-est friend. If you're still not smiling, oh well. Better luck tomorrow.

The Most Relevant Blog Post You'll Ever Read

This is the age of pseudo-professional bloggers. You know, guys and girls like me who write stuff that runs around in their heads that they hope others will want to read.  If that is you, and you are reading this, you are my people. If you're not, know my people are everywhere. After all, this is the Internet.

Here's the problem: if you're anything like me, you will get quite bored reading mundane, un-creative, tedious posts about making dinner or card tricks or something. If you're a lot like me, you'll get sick of reading Gagnam Style, Justin-Kardashian-Bieber,  Star Wars XVIIIIIIII, pop culture-riddled posts that will be obsolete by the time I publish this. But I guess it depends on who you are.

So what do we write about? Well, depends on your genre.

Are you a Mom-blogger? Please tell us about your children. What do they eat? What are they allergic to? Did they teach you some little nugget of wisdom inadvertently as all children stereotypically do? All the other stay-at-home-moms will be inspired to be as good a mother as you someday. Oh and please post of video of you in a happy Chewbaca mask. That could be viral....

Are you a poet? Please publish the works that are your life blood that no one wants to pay for. Every so often, include one about being a starving artist and implicitly beg for your readers to support you financially. They won't, but at least you can say you tried. In rhyme.

Are you a political activist? Please tell me why I'm the world's biggest sucker for voting for my candidate of choice. Be as sensational as possible. Avoid facts. Your party and candidate will thank you. Now's the best time for this, what with the election and all. Mention Donald Trump's name to get more views and more fights.

Are you someone who leads a boring life? Write a "Dear Diary" but make it all up. Observe:

Dear Diary, I wish those people in Hollywood would stop calling me about playing the next Indiana Jones for their series reboot. Everyone knows that guy who plays Han Solo would be the best. Or Chris Pratt, who sent me a letter once. Anyway, it was good to hear from Chuck Norris today. He called me on the phone to ask how to pronounce 回し蹴りをスピニング。 (which is Mawashigeri o supiningu). Oh well, gotta run down to the White House now. This country ain't gonna run itself!

Are you a movie critic? Please spend your hard-earned cash to give me the pros and cons of each movie that ever hits the big screen. Is it worth my time? Will I be bored? And please no spoilers. What kind of cruel person would do that??  Make sure to add lame and weak levity to your critiques like "Is it enough we all found out we were pronouncing Voldemort's name wrong? And what's with the nose?"

Are you a humorist that reflects on his own life and times?  Write a blog post about writing relevant blog posts. Mention as many famous stars as you can. Make a few pop culture references too. You're also me. Way to go, me, on the meta-blogging (you know, blogging about blogging).

Hopefully, if you came here looking for valid tips, I was of some help to you. If I wasn't, you could always book me to come speak at your corporate event, you know, to clarify. I don't charge much...that is, no more than Steven Spielberg would charge....

When We All Get to Heaven

I pass by friends all the time on campus and more often than not, we stop and talk awhile.

We never pass up an opportunity to lament about midterms and finals. We all go through them and the struggle is very real. It's one that's relevant to us and we all begin to feel close...like astronauts about to go to space in a 1930s airplane with no parachutes. You know: Ill-prepared. Not suited well for success.

I can't help but think that it won't be like this when we die. When we get to Heaven, there won't be any finals and homework and stuff. We'll already have passed our final.

But then I think about what happens to us college students right after an exam. We suddenly become friends.  There is something about the harrowing experience that brings us all together.

Then I can't help but think, this is what Heaven will be like. We'll have gone through life and experienced death and everything. We'll all feel connected like that.

I was watching Hopalong Cassidy the other day. It made me a little sad and lonesome for the days when the good guy always won. I feel like I missed out on the days when the average townsfolk had no qualms about joining the hero's posse to bring Truth and Justice to the lawless.

And I can't help but think that it won't be this way after life is over. In Heaven, there will be no bad guys. The good guys will already have won and will have no more battles left to fight.

Think about that, the final battle will be finished. That makes all of us saints "the good guys" in the town. We'll be sitting on the front porch of Heaven's general store remarking about how great it's been since He's "cleaned up this town".

So I think again how wonderful Heaven will be with no more need to join a posse. There's one job description that won't exist!

But now I'm thinking about politics. And laughing. Then crying. We're doomed. We also have great things to look forward to. Talk about being bipolar.

In Heaven, there will only be one party. There will only be one Ruler. No economical problems, no foreign policy issues, no more debates. What a day of rejoicing THAT will be!!

Until then, however, we must remain patient and remain occupied.
So my best advice is read The Book and order pizza. At then least it will feel like you've had some success. No, honestly, that's the best advice I got. Too busy with finals to think up anything else.

The Over Achiever I Am

I am that guy.

The groceries make it to the car in one trip or I am not a real man.

And no, those little hand-held baskets don't count. Not even close.

It's just the way I am. Fine, go ahead and roll your eyes at me. I also have to strive for perfection and greatness. Is that such a crime? Of course not!

If the basket has to roll all the way to your car, you are doing it wrong.
For one thing, I know you have no intention of ever putting it away correctly and will leave it in that parking spot next to you that someone else wants. (Yeah, I'm looking at YOU.)
For another thing, you have to stand at your car and deal with the gaudy basket on wheels that roll and fight any traffic that is circling for parking spots. While fighting a basket that rolls. On wheels. Into traffic. Smart.

So maybe I'm making a big deal out of this, I suppose. But it's really not my fault. I'm not the one who says "Let's run inside for one gallon of milk," and ends up having to pass by the express lane after counting beyond 15 items in the cart.

Everything goes in one trip. Period.

That Lonesome Road of Life

Think about this: There was a time in your life that your parents picked you up, held you, set you back down and never picked you up again.

Do you feel old now? Welcome to my world.

With graduation looming ever nearer, adulthood becomes inevitable (save the possibility of grad school but that's another subject to accrue debt over).  Job hunts are not as fun as hide-n-seek used to be, that's for certain.  It feels more like a corporate version of red light/green light.  I won't even mention student loans and their sick version of freeze tag.

But you're never too old for gummy bears so I got that going for me.

Ever notice at graduations that the old poem by Robert Frost called "The Road Not Taken", is over-read?  Okay, we get it. You took the road that wanted wear and then you got so lost you couldn't come back. Why don't you just come out and admit you procrastinated on your homework?

But it is quite often read as a tale of regret. It mourns the decision to take a certain path without ever finding out what happened on the other path. How appropriate for graduations.

Honestly, I feel that a certain passage from A.A. Milne would be a smidgen more appropriate:
“Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain." 
"I know," said Pooh humbly.”

That says it all right there.

It doesn't take much of a brain to admit that like it or not, I have to grow up sometime. Now that I'm almost done with college and getting jobs and things I suppose now is as good a time as any. Time for me to put off the childish things and actually become a mature human being.

Wait, there's good news.

I was talking with a buddy of mine in Nashville couple weeks back (I hate to drop names so I'll be as ambiguous as I Kanye). We both strayed from our conversation to lament about how adulthood comes sooner than you expect. My friend pointed out that as a banjo picker (psyche!) he technically never grew up either. That brought up an interesting point:

We have to grow up, but that doesn't mean we have to lose our childlike spirit! As long as we have a desire to grow, we are still as children and we have the curiosity and fiery passion to learn more. Growing up is mandatory, but losing the child in you isn't.

And so it is this cycle of growing and staying young that puts one foot in front of the other on this road that wants wear. Only you can walk the road of life. I can't do it for you.

So now is the time for the announcement! I've finally grown up and am a little kid again! Let's celebrate with an apple juice and a nap while we sing our favorite VeggieTales songs...right after I get home from work!

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

For those of you who got past the ridiculous grammar in the title, I will disappoint you again by mentioning that this post has nothing to do with the Rolling Stones.

But life never works exactly how we want it.  The unsinkable still sinks. The unbreakable still breaks.  The unthinkable still...thinks. My voice still breaks when I sing...

This past week I've been recruiting for my capstone research project, but everyone I talk to does not meet the qualifications to participate. C'mon!

Last month I changed all the strings on my guitar, but something didn't set right on the .035 string so it couldn't keep it's tune and broke five minutes after I took it out of the package. Why me?

The other day I had a large iced coffee, but the barista served it with a medium straw so that the more I kept drinking, the farther my nose sank into the whipped cream. Really, people?

Just when life's plans start shaping up, something goes wrong. Curse you, Murphy and your stupid law!

But life goes on. I guess I can't complain. Young bucks like me can find a lot of things to complain about, but the reality is the majority of our complaints are little ones. In the midst of a life bent on success, things will go wrong even if you try and you try and you try and you try...

Nobody promised life would be easy. Nobody promised life would be fair. It's up to us to stop complaining, get some whipped cream on our noses and make the most of it.

When I First Met You Down on Lover's Lane...

This post is actually a response post. A blogging friend of mine, Sarah Liz, invited all the blogging dudes she knows to give a list of the top five things to look for in a girl since she did one the other way around. Fair enough.

She knows as well as anybody else that bluegrass song writers have been trying to settle on a top five since the Monroe Brothers recorded their RCA Victor album in 1936.  But I suppose everyone is different in their opinions. Here are my top five:

5. Wears muddy boots.  

"Wow, Mark," you must be thinking, "way to take it to a very shallow level." Maybe you don't understand the significance of muddy boots. An adventurous girl would never wear sandals to go rock hopping in a creek bed, nor would she wear running shoes to go hiking on a mountain. "But, Mark," you complain again, "doesn't having messy boots indicate that she's sloppy and untidy?"  In the first place, I said "muddy" not "messy" and besides,  even if she cleaned her boots regularly, it wouldn't matter if they only got muddy again shortly thereafter. If a girl is adventurous enough to get her boots muddy, she understands how to prepare for the unpredictable and be able to roll with the punches.

4. A Multi-Instrumentalist. 

A girl with the patience to learn how to play several instruments and be able to create music fluidly and interchangeably with each one has the patience to deal with a guy like me, and to properly raise a family. Learning your first instrument is hard. Being able to stay focused on it to master it requires patience. Learning a second, third, fourth, bazillionth instrument builds on your patience. Being married is hard (so I'm told). Marriages often fail when either party loses patience with the other.

3.Great fishing stories. 

"Okay, Mark," you interrupt again, "what's this one for? Memory?"  Let me tell you about fishing, since you obviously don't get my drift here. When you throw your bait into the water, your brain begins to come up with hundreds of reasons why you will not catch anything. Maybe you cast your rod the wrong way, the sun is in your eyes, this isn't "the spot", your bait probably fell off once it hit the water, a turtle stole your hook, etc. But if you don't commit, you will never catch anything. You need to be stronger than what tries to stop you. A girl who has epic fishing stories knows the commitment it takes and the overall strength one must posses to actually be successful and reel in "the big one". In this fast-moving society, young people have trouble sitting in one spot and waiting for something uncertain to happen. Those with great fishing stories do not have this problem.

2. Sings in harmony. 

Many people just want someone to talk to. Sad fact, they get themselves a boyfriend/girlfriend for solely that purpose. True, I may look for a girl who listens to me, but she also should not hesitate to add her own voice. Harmonizers are some of the most well respected in the bluegrass industry. They can blend with literally anyone (maybe with the exception of Bob Dylan, but that's a different post) that needs backing up. A girl who can harmonize knows how to listen, but is not afraid to contribute, to add, to blend her perspective.

1.Can sing the last verse to "Awake My Soul And With the Sun".

"Whoa now, Mark! Aren't we getting a little too specific, here?!?" Thanks for another interruption, again. If a girl can sing the last verse to this specific hymn, I know she's been spending a lot of time in church. When you spend a lot of time in church, you tend to go through the hymnals (please tell me I'm not the only one??). Not only are the lyrics to this song deep, the last verse is where the Doxology comes from. A girl who knows this and can sing this clearly puts God first in her life before all else. 

Now first off, this post by no means indicates that if you posses these allegorical qualities that we're going to hit it off well and end up on the same burial plot when our grandchildren lay us to rest. This is not the magical checklist that makes me fall in love with you. Sorry.

But now let me address the men reading this.

It seems we are especially zealous about making "checklists". It seems we always hang out and say things like:

"Hey bruh, what do you want in a girl?"
"Oh, I'm glad you asked, broham. Here's my official checklist accompanied by a diagram to scale."

Maybe we need to think a little more critically about this whole situation. Have you ever thought past that and wondered what kind of husband you want to be? "Super macho" is a given, I mean besides that. If I expect the future Mrs. to be a good listener, shouldn't I also be a good listener? If I expect the future Mrs. to be patient, should I also put forth the same effort? Should I exhibit the same attitude of strength and commitment? Should I be trying to move closer to God to let Him direct my paths? I think we can agree the answer is yes to all of the above. After all, the future Mrs. and I are going to be living together until death do us part, if not longer.
Let me extend this challenge to all my bros who are single:
Learn to harmonize, don't be afraid to get your boots muddy, and don't leave God when you finally find a girl.

I was a Teenage Guitar Player

I hate to keep beating a dead horse, but I just want to say how thankful I am that I was homeschooled.

"Oh no," you're probably groaning, "more propaganda about the joys of homeschooling."
Not this time.

Some people do, however, complain that homeschooling your children will prohibit them from learning how to talk with strangers and other members of the human race. How did I overcome this "problem"?

I was a musician.

"Ohhh suuure, Mark. That will totally help," you sarcastically think.

But seriously. From a relatively young age, I was standing in front of crowds of people and talking with them and singing to them. In fact, being in front of rank strangers since I was twelve taught me how to deal with people in general.

There was always that one person who asked embarrassing questions like "When are you gonna get married and leave the band?" Yessir, loaded questions were sure a lot of fun.  Especially because a twelve year old is not necessarily the most tactful as far as humor goes. My answer was usually "Thursday."
Then there were real live musicians who recognized that I wasn't the best of guitarists at the time (and some things never change) who would try to coach me to be more musically mature and say things like "I wouldn't kick it off so fast if I were you," to which I would think "Thankfully, you're not me."
Ah yes, my immature youth. Little did I realize how much dealing with the public would teach me as far as life goes.

Nowadays, I'm a grown up. (Stop laughing, I am grown up.) I've learned to answer the questions more seriously. Observe,

"When are you gonna get married and leave the band?"
--Do I have to do all that in that order?
"Why must you play all your songs so fast?"
--I'm trying to stay slim.
"How come your singing is so terrible?"
--You didn't like my Bob Dylan impression?

Let's face it, sometimes, people know better than you. Deal with it. Accept you're wrong. (Owie.)
Sometimes, people don't have a clue what they're talking about. Thank them for caring enough to try and help you anyway.

The bottom line is, people are very unpredictable. As a homeschooled professional musician, I do not fear. I have had experience with them all.

Take chances and don't be safe!

It is every musician's desire to grow. It is also every musician's desire to keep their pride. It is hereby we are split between the impulse to try something new or go with what we know.

Let me just explain with an example. That one Tony Rice lick you've been practicing all month would sound really good in your solo for "Worried Man Blues", but the banjo picker kicked it off faster than usual (ain't that just like them?). Should you keep playing the same, stale, old solo? Or should you try to cram all those notes into that tiny little space in the rhythm?

Sound familiar? Good. Welcome to the club.


My complex and comprehensive philosophy of the experimentation of your abilities, talents, and mad skillz in music is this:
Do it.

Yes, just go ahead and try that thing you were going to do. You'll never learn any other way. And besides, if you wait until the banjo picker kicks it off at the right speed, you'll never be good enough when the banjo picker kicks it off fast again.

Of course it will be uncomfortable. Of course you might flop. Of course the bass player will laugh at you (and seriously, he's always laughing. What's his problem?). But don't let any of it bother you. Try it unabashedly next time. And the next. And next.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Never try crossing the ocean if you don't have the courage to lose sight of the shore. The early bird catches the worm and the second mouse gets the cheese. And and and I'm trying to think of another inspirational quote...but you get the picture I hope.

The world's most Okay-est expert!

If there is one thing I've learned as a professional musician and entertainer, it would be this one thought:  For everyone at your level of expertise, there are 150 people better than you.

This can be quite the depressing statistic. It kind of is, actually (made up, too). I would be amiss if I didn't tell you that I've experienced this truth firsthand.

One of my band's sit-in bass players came to visit with us the other day.  He is a very nice gentleman and we had a wonderful afternoon reminiscing and picking some bluegrass together in our front room.  As he was leaving he turned to my sister and said "You deserve the best!" He turned to my older brother and said "You have the best!" He turned to my younger brother and said "You ARE the best!" Finally, he turned to me and said "Great sideburns." As another example, I was fortunate enough to play some music in Nashville, Tennessee this past summer and I had the honor of meeting some of my top favorite pickers in the industry while I was there.  While they sat in the audience, I played with every ounce of gusto I had.  Still, something in the back of my mind saw them sitting and staring at me. Judging every stinking note I played.  They heard every mistake.  I'm sure they laughed at my playing when they got home.

None of this bothers me that much, however.  I find that if there are people better than me, I find something that I'm better at than them.  Sounds kind of spiteful, I know.  Here's how it works:

Friend: I won 1st place in international guitar contests 82 times in a row.
Me: I could probably do that too, but I chose to get my second degree black belt instead.
Friend: My voice range spans 5 octaves and I'm a champion yodeler. 
Me: I had an Associate Degree when I graduated high school.
Friend: I had all of my wisdom teeth pulled without anesthesia and I was eating a caramel apple by that afternoon.
Me: I took care of my wisdom teeth and still have them.

Let me just say that the above conversation is completely fictional; none of my friends would listen to insufferable bragging like that.  I guess the message (yes, there is one, so stop laughing) would be to remember that if you are the best you can be, it doesn't matter that somebody's better than you.

So here's the remedy: Think about it as excelling in mediocrity!  You're much better at being "sort of good" than your friend!  You are the greatest mediocre person you know!  Isn't that great? Now you have something to brag about!

Foot size: 11; Mouth: ditto;

Social media! Ah, how I love it!  A truly marvelous place where people come together and bicker about everything under the sun.  What a perfectly fascinating way to spend the time!

Don't get me wrong, there are other uses to social media besides arguing whose cat is more "adorbs" than so-and-so's, or whether Klingon is more similar to Vulcan or to Ewok, or if a fourth Jurassic Park movie is going to have the same plot line as the rest (you know, dinosaurs come to life, eat a bunch of people, people escape).  If you asked me to name one other use for social media, however, I may blank for a moment....

I am sorry to admit, but I have posted remarks on social media that I later regretted. I hastily put my (what I call) "first glance opinion" under the picture of a stupid cat doing something stupid, and it accidentally went public and then there is an outcry directed at me.  Oops.

Now comes the apology.  Something a little bit like the dreaded foot-in-mouth disease strikes me cold.  Well actually, its exactly like it.  One giant, size 11 foot coming right up. Open wide!!

I hope you won't misunderstand me: I'm not telling you to stop standing up for what you believe in.  Take a stand! Stand firm!  I'm only suggesting that you might want to think before you post.  Consider saying "I don't agree because: x,y,z" Instead of "What wagon load of dumbbells did YOU fall off of, scatter brain?!?"
See the difference?

The moral of this blog post is whenever you find yourself utilizing the social medias for what they are used best for, always remember to think before you act like a blithering, inconsiderate, stupid moron!

I'll probably regret publishing this blog post later...good thing I have a mouth to match my foot.